Buckle Me Elmo

One of the things about New York that I didn't expect was how absurd it would be to take a cab. As I got into my first cab I started hearing voices. Specifically, Elmo's voice. Once I realized that I was not going crazy I heard him say "buckle up for safety!". When the cab stopped and the meter was turned off Elmo came on again and urged me to collect all of my belongings and get a receipt if necessary.

Weird.

Then I realized it must be a cab-wide gimmick when I got in my next cab and heard "Hello. This is Roger Clemens from the New York Yankees. Hit a home run for safety and buckle up" being spoken with as much enthusiasm as, well, a sports figure reading a public service announcement. I began to laugh heartily when I heard the same flat voice remind me to collect my belongings and to get a receipt if necessary.

A home run for safety? Bit of a stretch don't you think? Pfft! I didn't know the half of it.

As the week wore on it got even better:
Hi, this is Mary Dunleavy from the Metropolitan Opera. Hit a high note for safety and buckle up!
(Loud, annoying sound of tapping feet) Hi, we're the Rockettes. [unintelligible due to tapping feet noise] for safety and [unintelligible due to tapping feet noise]!
Hi, this is Michael Buffer. Leeeeet's get ready to rrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuummmbbblleee for safety and buckle up!

By the last day I was expecting something along the lines of:
Hi, I'm Dr. William Schnoebel, chief neurosurgeon at Mount Sinai. Perform a CAT Scan for safety and buckle up!

Ah, well, maybe it was in the cab that insulted us in slow motion, who knows? (FYI, we were standing in a huge pile of snow trying to hail a cab and when one finally stopped we told him our desired destination through his open back window. He tried to peel off in disgust, but the snow made him just spin his wheels until he slowly, slowly moved forward and away from us and our absurd request forever. It was hilarious, I tells ya.)

New York, New York. It's a helluva town.

I'm Not a Survivor, I'm Gon' Give Up

(*Ahem* Well, yes. I know that it's a Destiny's Child song. However, it fits the theme I've got going on right now. At least I didn't use "pay my automo-bills")

As you may have noticed from my caustic remarks about reality television, I'm not a fan. Unfortunately, my company is working on a product that is closely tied to the granddaddy of them all...can you folks at home guess which one? So for four days in New York I had to pitch our great product that I have little to no interest in.

Also, I had to spend a day with one of the contestants of this show (it was supposed to be TWO cast members, but a little snow proved too much for the big baby, so we only got one). She was paid good money to come and plug our product, smile, pose for pictures, tell the same story of her eating a worm over and over again, sign autographs (Dear [random fan]: I'd never vote you off!) and generally squeeze that last drop of her notoriety out for us.

This was one of the other unpleasant things that happened to me in New York. Not that she herself was unpleasant, on the contrary she was very...ebullient. But it is unpleasant to have to schmooze with a "celebrity" who, not only do you not know, but who worked on a show that you fundamentally oppose. (I have many problems with shows of this calibre, not the least of which is the creepy voyeuristic feel to them. However, since the advent of much, much more creepy reality-based shows this one seems almost bearable. Almost.) But as a wise sage once said "love the sinner, hate the sin". So I smiled nicely, avoided the topic of the actual show as much as possible and then cut out early.

And really, it's all just a matter of personal taste. Just because I find it melodramatic, base and manipulative doesn't mean that millions out there don't like it for just those reasons. A lot of people proclaim to hate the show, but the fact remains that the ratings are better than ever this season. Somebody's gotta be watching it. (This by no means justifies its being on, it just illustrates that there are millions of people who I wouldn't want to be marooned with at a cottage all weekend.)

Perhaps I would have had a better time if the product we're working on were based on a show I liked. Now, if it were tied to say, oh, I don't know, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, I might have been persuaded to sleep with hi-- er, get more excited about the project.

*sigh* If only my company would start working on something like THAT, I'd be all over him. Uh, I mean it. All over it. Heh heh.

New York, New York

I was in New York city last week, for the first time in my life. It was really cool. Slightly different than I imagined, but definitely cool. I had to go for work and I stayed for almost a full week.

The best part of the whole trip was that there was a "blizzard" (Americans are so cute about the snow, like they've never seen it before or something). It was less than two feet but it brought the city that never sleeps to a halt. Add to that that it happened the night before a holiday and on Monday it effectively looked like we had the whole city to ourselves. It was absolutely beautiful and definitely helped to make me heart NY as much as any tourist. I mean, snowflakes gently falling over the city as we walked to the Plaza past Central Park...how could you NOT fall in love with that?

But there were lots of not-so-good things about my trip, too, and since this is a blog, I thought I'd dwell more on those. So.

First off, since we're doing a deal with CBS we got tickets to see Letterman in the CBS section. Now, this in and of itself is not a bad thing. It's just that afterword I felt compelled to send a thank-you note to the lady that we were working with and who got us the tickets.

And I, um, well...I wrote a Top Ten Good Things About the CBS Seats list. *sigh* Yeah, I know. I must have still been drunk or something. But the deed is done, the card is sent, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Except regret it heartily. I've got THAT covered, believe me. *sigh* (What was I thinking?!)

Don't worry! More unpleasantness to come!

Bad Mojo Rising

Lately everything's coming up bad and scary. And I'm not even talking about the plight of the world right now. Sure chemical weapons, nukes, mass destruction and war are scary, but they're far enough removed from me to be merely nagging dread.

But I mean like in real life stuff is happening all around me that are less than comforting. For example, my good friend is two weeks older than me and he was just diagnosed with a scary stomach thing. But, as if that weren't enough, he goes and has a slight heart attack two weeks later, frightening the crap out of all of us. He's recovering from the attack rather well, his heart is actually pretty healthy normally, but jaysis! He's still got the stomach thing and I'm afraid he is not out of the woods yet.

And I know quite a few other stories like that from people I work with, am related to, and are acquainted with on IRC. Lots of people being diagnosed with cancer, one girl is in a mysterious coma, my work (which is now within walking distance) is moving out to the middle of freakin' nowhere, there has been an alarming increase in reality-based television, my favourite message board has been blown up...it just goes on and on.

It's like that Red Dwarf episode about luck being a virus. It seems there's a violent strain of bad luck going around right now. I was hoping that Being a Good Person would afford some sort of immunity, but my friend is a much nicer person than I am, and he still had a heart attack (and I'm not really that good of a person anyway, so really, who was I kidding?)

So I guess all that's to be done is to just ride this baby out. I'll hide under the covers, drink lots of liquids, eat chicken soup and, hopefully, I'll get through this thing unscarred.

(Oh, and I'll try not to scratch, either. Can't hurt, might help.)

Well, well, well. It would seem that I am putting yet another blog on the fire. (I am aware that I am probably the eighteen millionth person to dream up that same pun, too. I am not proud of this.) It had to happen sooner or later, I suppose. You're just lucky I am too indolent and insecure to have finished my own website. Take this as a blessing in disguise, if that helps you at all.

The upside about doing this, though, is that there are so many of these blogger dealies around that I feel quite assured that no one will ever notice it. (I regret that I don't know any l33t speak which would help to keep my entries truly incomprehensible, but whatareyagonnado?)

Right now I have no specific agenda with this. I, like most humans, have very little of real value to say. However, sometimes it is soothing to repeat things that have given me comfort in the past, or type up musings that seemed to me original (that is, until I've read them written more clearly and cogently in some seventeeth century novel or top ten list). There is value in trying to figure things out, though, even if we have to make the same discoveries that everyone else has made at one time or another. And if you can make yourself giggle along the way, well, so much the better.

In any event, this is the new weblog. Yay!