Come Sweet Slumber...

It is 7:30 in the morning and I am awake. Normally there would not be a problem about this, as today is a work day and I have to be there in a few hours anyway. It's a little early for me to be up, but it really shouldn't be that big a deal. Except that I've been awake since 4:00 am. And I didn't go to sleep until 1:00 am.

I've tossed and turned for a few hours, but it's no use. I'm up and hating it a lot. Why am I not sleeping? Let's try some guesses:

1. Guilt. I've done many things I'm not proud of in my short life, the most proximal being getting drunk last night and then going on IRC and chatting. Oy, the things I typed! (And fyi, it's not like I was drunk just because it's Tuesday, I had a get-together with old workmates at a nearby bar. Really, there was a reason. I don't have a problem! I can quit whenever I want.)

2. Fear. Sure, I've got a job interview today, but I'm not too bothered about it. In fact, I don't even want it. It's at an Ad agency. Whose clients are strait-laced financial types. Like I'd ever in a million years go back to that again. I'd rather french kiss Saddam Hussein. [Ewww!]

3. Horrible, horrible recurring images. Great. Now I can't get that disgusting picture out of my head. Thanks so bloody much, brain. The moustache! That horrible, maniacal, own-people-gassing moustache!

4. Existential dread. Who am I? What have I accomplished in my lifetime? What if I were to die tomorrow? What if our friend at CBS actually does show David Letterman my lameass top ten list like she threatened to do? Can a person actually die of humilation? And does it matter if it sucks if he doesn't know who actually wrote it? So many questions...

5. Alcohol is known to cause disruptions in sleep patterns. Hm...you may have something there. Goddammit! I thought booze was my friend! Well, never again. Ya hear that, booze?! Screw you! (Yeah, I said it!)

Sleepy...so very sleepy. Oh, yay. The alarm just went off. Isn't that just fan-fuckin'-tastic? TIME FOR WORK!! KILL ME NOW!!

Back to the Old Whine-stone

Well, I tried to be positive and I kept it up for a few days, but I think all of that's over. Cuz I watched some television on the weekend and another list sprang to mind. And it wasn't good. Wanna hear it? Okay!

Five really annoying things about North American television shows (mostly sitcoms, but this can apply to dramas as well):

1. Keep yer shoes on! Maybe it's because I'm Canadian and come from a place of slush and muck eight months of the year, I don't know, but I am overly bothered by the fact that on television no one ever takes their shoes off. I understand the practicality of this in the sense that no one wants to hold up a plot by watching people take off and put on shoes, but every time I see a character sit down on a couch or a bed and tuck their shodden feet underneath them a little part of me cries out in pain. Couldn't they at least have one of the other characters say, "hey, get your dirty shoes off my couch!" or something? Just the once? For me? Please?

2. Is that for here or to go? People on television will walk into a bar or restaurant, order food or drinks, have it delivered to their table, take one bite or sip and then leave, never giving it a second thought (and oftentimes not even paying, but that's another list). No matter how hungry or broke the character has professed themselves to be, it is always just one or two bites, no more. Oddly, doggy bags are never mentioned. Also strange is the tendancy for characters on television to order "a beer" or "a soda" and never once running into sarcastic waitstaff who in reality might ask "any particular kind pal, or should I just go ahead and read your mind? I should warn you there's a 5% surcharge for all clairvoyance." Very weird.

3. Being on television means never having to say goodbye. Characters on television will hold important plot-driven phone calls then simply hang up the phone after those points have been hit, without so much as a "fuck you". I'm not sure why this is, perhaps it's because both of the actors have read the script and know that the conversation is over. In real life, however, it is conventional practice to end a telephonic discourse with a nice "goodbye". Not only is this seen as common courtesy, but it lets the caller know that nothing untoward has happened to you when the line they are on suddenly goes dead. Sure, your daughter may have just been finished talking and wished to hang up, but then again a psycho killer could have just cut her phone line and is RIGHT THIS MINUTE hideously and ritualistically murdering her. A simple goodbye is the closure that an imaginative worrier like my mom sorely needs.

4. It's hard to type and act at the same time. It is my belief that all actors should be required to take at least ONE typing lesson before their character is to be shown typing on camera*. How many times have we seen a computerized discussion where our hero types the word "no" using fifteen to twenty keystrokes? Hasn't the director ever typed something before? Hasn't the actor? Surely they've witnessed someone who has typed before. Don't they care about their show? Why do they hate me so much? Why?

*This advice also applies to actors pretending to be musicians. (Hint: for a character that plays the guitar you should try moving your fingers around once in a while on the neck of the instrument. It really doesn't matter if you get the right placement, your audience will at least appreciate the attempt, believe me. Perhaps you could also look at a video that features a real guitar player some time. This may provide further clues to help flesh out your character. Good luck!)

5. Prom music. I realize that getting permission to use songs that a teenager might actually be caught dead listening to is a logistical pain in the ass and forces the budget of any show up, but c'mon. I can go along with whatever premise you wish hand me, from aliens living naively yet hilariously among us to a coffeeshop waitress being able to afford New York rent without having to hook on the side, but when you expect me to believe that teenagers would not set fire to any gym playing generic psuedo-rock music let alone that they'd be excited to dance to it, well, you've just gone too damn far, mister. TOO DAMN FAR!

Sorry about the hate, but it had to come out some time. Why am I typing up things in groups of five? I have no idea, but my guess would be because ten's too many, three is too few, ya know? Plus, it's easy and fun. Later, dudes.