Careering
I remember a story from when I was a kid about grasshoppers who were preparing for the winter, everyone was running around trying to find food and readying the nest for the coming hard months. All except this one lazy grasshopper who sat around all day lying in the sun and enjoying himself, looking at trees and shit, never lifting a serated leg to help anybody. He throw out this lame excuse about "collecting colours" for the long winter, and I guess just letting a pile of acorns "accidentally" crush him was against these grasshoppers' religion, so instead they just berated him all the time about being a lazy jerk who was a disgrace to his hardworking family. "Get a job, hoppy" they'd say scornfully.
Sure enough winter comes along and everybody (including the lazy grasshopper) benefits from the hard work that all the rest have done in preparation for the winter, for they all have enough food to eat and their shelter is strong. They have only to sit in their little hole looking at each other and waiting for spring. For about five months. It is then that the lazy grasshopper eases out of his birkenstocks, lights some incense and gathers everyone around him to tell colourful stories about the sun and trees and lying around, and everyone finally realizes that the lazy jerk wasn't really a lazy jerk after all. He was an artist! And his contribution to society is real, goddammit!
This is the kind of bullshit literature I was fed as a kid. A thinly disguised appeal for an NEA grant dressed up as a charming children's tale. I directly blame this story and my mother's insistence that I could "be anything you want to be" for my having no clear direction in life whatsoever.
However, I cannot wallow in the past and continue to point fingers at the people and things that so completely screwed me up as a kid, even though doing so makes it clear that my being lazy and indecisive is not my own fault and never will be.
But it is in the spirit of laying aside blame and growing up that I thought this week I'd explore Five Possible Career Choices For Me, Alanis Walker. I'm hoping to stumble upon something that will give me direction, a sense of ambition, and possibly lots and lots of income.
1. Marine Biologist This one is for my mom. Whenever I would get on the subject of what I should be when I grew up this was always high on my mother's list. I'm pretty sure my mom has no idea what being a marine biologist entails, just that there is a strong possibility of being able to keep a dolphin as a pet. I certainly wouldn't mind having Flipper as a friend, however, I am no fan of deep, freezing cold water and I'm fairly sure I'd have to be in or around it a good deal in order to be a marine biologist.
Plus, there's the whole having to pay close attention to my work in order to be an effective scientist. And who wants to spend their whole day paying attention to what they're doing? Not my, that's what he said.
Suitability: Poor
Possibility: Remote
2. Movie Star/Diva Although I have absolutely no talent for acting and a very thin, untrained singing voice, I think I might actually be able to swing this one (and really, has a lack of talent stopped any big stars lately?) All it takes is a little marketing saavy, some liposuction and a stylist (not to mention a sexual favour or two).
In addition, I have the perfect surname to be a big, important star.
"Miss Walker? Your lear jet is waiting."
"They're ready for you in rehearsals Miss Walker."
"Oh certainly Miss Walker, we'll send up a new batch of cabana boys right away."
I always had fun doing plays in school, however, as much as I liked it I couldn't stand the people who were really serious about acting. Bunch of sentimental flakes poncing about trying to get in touch with their emotional depths. I'm not sure I'd ever be able to have serious conversations with my coworkers. I'm sure it would only be a matter of time before I slapped Keanu silly, and that's just not conducive to a positive working environment.
Suitability: Fair
Possibility: Moderate
3. Motivational Speaker As far as I can tell this one may be the easiest job of the lot. All it takes is boundless energy and a handful of pithy quotes and specious anecdotes. (I of course have no energy, but that can be corrected with the proper medication.) I would only have to come up with a dramatic story about my being down and out, rudderless and without hope until one day, one magnificent-holy day, I had an epiphany!! Everything became clear and I realized I could make lots and lots of money by telling people about my dramatic, money-making epiphany!
"How many times have you been sitting in your house of a fine summer evening with a hankering for some ice cream, when all of a sudden... *ding-ding-dingaling!!* an ice cream truck turns down your street?! That is not, nor has it ever been a coincidence, my friends. That's what I like to call "Realifying your Imagination" and we all, every last one of us!! has this power!! It's real! And it can make you money! My lecture series can teach you how!"
Damn, I'm actually motivating myself here! Only problem I can see is having a conscience and a modicum of dignity. Hm. I may need to work on that. The gobs and gobs of money might take care of that in time.
Suitability: Fair
Possibility: Strong
4. Tombraider of the Lost Ark Now this is one that I actually have some qualifications for. A) I have disproportionately large, gravity-defying breasts like Lara. B) I have a degree in Anthropology like Indiana.
At first I thought that my intense and disabling fear of heights might be a problem in this line of work, but then I remembered that it would only serve as a hilarious contrast to my almost superhuman competence in all other tombraiding areas. Plus, these little peccadillos serve to make me more approachable and give my suitors hope that they may one day tame the sexually charged beast within me, although they never, ever can. Poor dopes.
However suitable I may be for this job, though, I fear there is not much tombraiding work these days. What with all the tombraiding of the earlier part of the 20th century, the war and the bombing, etc. there are only slim pickings. I might have to broaden my parameters a wee bit to include much more mundane adventures...
Alanis Walker: Cheese Grater
Alanis Walker and the Temple Beth El of Greater Buffalo
Raiders of the Lost 3 Year-Old Tabby (Answers to the Name "Mr. Cuddlekins")
Hm. This is starting to sound less and less exciting. I guess I'll just have to reserve my fake English accent for telemarketers and strangers asking for directions. *sigh*
Suitability: Excellent
Possibility: Slim
5. Career Counsellor Well, it's obvious I have a knack for it. I mean, just look at all the careers I've been through in my short life: fast food employee, retail sales associate, mindless factory cog, insurance broker, advertising executive/soulless zombie, marketing research drone, video production coordinator, board game company thingy. And I'm only 33! Man, pretty soon I will have had experience with every kind of job in the world.
Yeah... maybe I'll just have people come to me and say "I want to go into advertising" and I can chuckle wisely, pat them on the head and say "no, you don't." I'll advise them to buy a lottery ticket and go back to driving their cab or painting houses or whatever. Then I'll let them in on a little secret: all jobs for them will always suck. Why? Because nobody understands them. Then I'll tell them the grasshopper story and ask for $100. They'll feel vaguely enlightened and go away satisfied. By the time they realize I've done absolutely nothing for them I'll be long gone! Ha, ha! So long, suckers!
Suitability: Good
Possibility: Oh, who am I kidding? I could never get a sweet gig like this.
Well, that's it for this week. I've got some interesting options to think over, haven't I? Very interesting indeed...
Next week: the 1st year Anniversary Update! Hurrah!
I remember a story from when I was a kid about grasshoppers who were preparing for the winter, everyone was running around trying to find food and readying the nest for the coming hard months. All except this one lazy grasshopper who sat around all day lying in the sun and enjoying himself, looking at trees and shit, never lifting a serated leg to help anybody. He throw out this lame excuse about "collecting colours" for the long winter, and I guess just letting a pile of acorns "accidentally" crush him was against these grasshoppers' religion, so instead they just berated him all the time about being a lazy jerk who was a disgrace to his hardworking family. "Get a job, hoppy" they'd say scornfully.
Sure enough winter comes along and everybody (including the lazy grasshopper) benefits from the hard work that all the rest have done in preparation for the winter, for they all have enough food to eat and their shelter is strong. They have only to sit in their little hole looking at each other and waiting for spring. For about five months. It is then that the lazy grasshopper eases out of his birkenstocks, lights some incense and gathers everyone around him to tell colourful stories about the sun and trees and lying around, and everyone finally realizes that the lazy jerk wasn't really a lazy jerk after all. He was an artist! And his contribution to society is real, goddammit!
This is the kind of bullshit literature I was fed as a kid. A thinly disguised appeal for an NEA grant dressed up as a charming children's tale. I directly blame this story and my mother's insistence that I could "be anything you want to be" for my having no clear direction in life whatsoever.
However, I cannot wallow in the past and continue to point fingers at the people and things that so completely screwed me up as a kid, even though doing so makes it clear that my being lazy and indecisive is not my own fault and never will be.
But it is in the spirit of laying aside blame and growing up that I thought this week I'd explore Five Possible Career Choices For Me, Alanis Walker. I'm hoping to stumble upon something that will give me direction, a sense of ambition, and possibly lots and lots of income.
1. Marine Biologist This one is for my mom. Whenever I would get on the subject of what I should be when I grew up this was always high on my mother's list. I'm pretty sure my mom has no idea what being a marine biologist entails, just that there is a strong possibility of being able to keep a dolphin as a pet. I certainly wouldn't mind having Flipper as a friend, however, I am no fan of deep, freezing cold water and I'm fairly sure I'd have to be in or around it a good deal in order to be a marine biologist.
Plus, there's the whole having to pay close attention to my work in order to be an effective scientist. And who wants to spend their whole day paying attention to what they're doing? Not my, that's what he said.
Suitability: Poor
Possibility: Remote
2. Movie Star/Diva Although I have absolutely no talent for acting and a very thin, untrained singing voice, I think I might actually be able to swing this one (and really, has a lack of talent stopped any big stars lately?) All it takes is a little marketing saavy, some liposuction and a stylist (not to mention a sexual favour or two).
In addition, I have the perfect surname to be a big, important star.
"Miss Walker? Your lear jet is waiting."
"They're ready for you in rehearsals Miss Walker."
"Oh certainly Miss Walker, we'll send up a new batch of cabana boys right away."
I always had fun doing plays in school, however, as much as I liked it I couldn't stand the people who were really serious about acting. Bunch of sentimental flakes poncing about trying to get in touch with their emotional depths. I'm not sure I'd ever be able to have serious conversations with my coworkers. I'm sure it would only be a matter of time before I slapped Keanu silly, and that's just not conducive to a positive working environment.
Suitability: Fair
Possibility: Moderate
3. Motivational Speaker As far as I can tell this one may be the easiest job of the lot. All it takes is boundless energy and a handful of pithy quotes and specious anecdotes. (I of course have no energy, but that can be corrected with the proper medication.) I would only have to come up with a dramatic story about my being down and out, rudderless and without hope until one day, one magnificent-holy day, I had an epiphany!! Everything became clear and I realized I could make lots and lots of money by telling people about my dramatic, money-making epiphany!
"How many times have you been sitting in your house of a fine summer evening with a hankering for some ice cream, when all of a sudden... *ding-ding-dingaling!!* an ice cream truck turns down your street?! That is not, nor has it ever been a coincidence, my friends. That's what I like to call "Realifying your Imagination" and we all, every last one of us!! has this power!! It's real! And it can make you money! My lecture series can teach you how!"
Damn, I'm actually motivating myself here! Only problem I can see is having a conscience and a modicum of dignity. Hm. I may need to work on that. The gobs and gobs of money might take care of that in time.
Suitability: Fair
Possibility: Strong
4. Tombraider of the Lost Ark Now this is one that I actually have some qualifications for. A) I have disproportionately large, gravity-defying breasts like Lara. B) I have a degree in Anthropology like Indiana.
At first I thought that my intense and disabling fear of heights might be a problem in this line of work, but then I remembered that it would only serve as a hilarious contrast to my almost superhuman competence in all other tombraiding areas. Plus, these little peccadillos serve to make me more approachable and give my suitors hope that they may one day tame the sexually charged beast within me, although they never, ever can. Poor dopes.
However suitable I may be for this job, though, I fear there is not much tombraiding work these days. What with all the tombraiding of the earlier part of the 20th century, the war and the bombing, etc. there are only slim pickings. I might have to broaden my parameters a wee bit to include much more mundane adventures...
Alanis Walker: Cheese Grater
Alanis Walker and the Temple Beth El of Greater Buffalo
Raiders of the Lost 3 Year-Old Tabby (Answers to the Name "Mr. Cuddlekins")
Hm. This is starting to sound less and less exciting. I guess I'll just have to reserve my fake English accent for telemarketers and strangers asking for directions. *sigh*
Suitability: Excellent
Possibility: Slim
5. Career Counsellor Well, it's obvious I have a knack for it. I mean, just look at all the careers I've been through in my short life: fast food employee, retail sales associate, mindless factory cog, insurance broker, advertising executive/soulless zombie, marketing research drone, video production coordinator, board game company thingy. And I'm only 33! Man, pretty soon I will have had experience with every kind of job in the world.
Yeah... maybe I'll just have people come to me and say "I want to go into advertising" and I can chuckle wisely, pat them on the head and say "no, you don't." I'll advise them to buy a lottery ticket and go back to driving their cab or painting houses or whatever. Then I'll let them in on a little secret: all jobs for them will always suck. Why? Because nobody understands them. Then I'll tell them the grasshopper story and ask for $100. They'll feel vaguely enlightened and go away satisfied. By the time they realize I've done absolutely nothing for them I'll be long gone! Ha, ha! So long, suckers!
Suitability: Good
Possibility: Oh, who am I kidding? I could never get a sweet gig like this.
Well, that's it for this week. I've got some interesting options to think over, haven't I? Very interesting indeed...
Next week: the 1st year Anniversary Update! Hurrah!
posted by Alanis at
11:08 PM
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