Karma Corn

The other night I was drunk. I had been out with my friends and had a really good time meeting some of my roommate's work people (who all seemed to be really nice, really sane, fun people). And, as is my wont when laying in bed trying to sleep, I began to ponder my life and the people in it. Since I was drunk I was very lovingful of all of them, even people I had not always gotten along with. Even my family (I told you I was drunk).

Anyway, when I woke up the next day, I felt great. And luckily, my good opinion of most of the people in my life was still in tact. When I think about it soberly and in the cold light of day, my life is full of people who have made my life immeasurably better than it could ever have been without them.

You see, I've spent a great deal of my life alone and/or in silent contemplation. There have been times when I thought that this was the most natural state for me. I'm not afraid of it like a lot of people I know, I actually enjoy it a lot. In fact, I feel I need it every once in a while when I've been around people too much. But at the same time, I know that I can get a mite too serious and over-critical of myself and pessimistic if left to it for too long. I'm a much better person when I've people around to take the piss out of me.

Now, I'm not a religious person, but I think I'm pretty... hm... not spiritual, but something akin to that. If I did subscribe to a religion I think it might be karma-flavoured. It seems to me that I've been alternately blessed and bitch-slapped by the universe when and as I've needed it. I haven't always liked it, but I usually end up on an even keel eventually.

I always have to learn things the hard way, though. I fight things and I fight things until I'm forced to accept what would have just been easier to accept with a resigned smile in the first place. And it usually ends up being something that I really needed or something that was good for me in the long run. For example, there are at least five people in my life right now who I initially, and with ridiculous and unwarranted condescension, wrote off right away as being unworthy of my time. They, of course, ended up being some of the most important people in my life, people who I have learned the most from, and who have been generous to me beyond all sense and reason. The only reason I can think of for their being in my life is to show me up for the idiot that I am and to remind me of the lesson that, after 33 years of life, I learn every time as if it's some new discovery. (Hey, I never said I was a smart person. Just incredibly lucky.)

This good luck extends even into my online life. Right out of the box I've had the spectacular good fortune to fall in with a group of people who are intelligent, descriminating, and, despite all attempts to appear the contrary, very good-hearted. And while these characteristics don't always equal funny (the mysterious magical blend being universally unknown), it has been my experience that the people I find the most humourous have these qualities in spades. And I found a bunch of them just sitting online one day.

Now, a less whimsical person might say that there is no mystery to any of this, that everybody makes choices, conscious or not, and those choices are augmented by behaviour that supports and confirms those choices, etc. etc. And while there is something to that, I still believe in the element of chance in life. Call it luck, call it statistical probability, whatever it is, it has been exceptionally kind to me and for that I am truly grateful.

I try to be worthy of my good fortune, but it's always so hard. A lot of times I'm just grumpy. Like, for example, while writing this "I love everyone" post, I've snapped at people no less than three times during the writing of this (well, they interrupted me!)

Oooo, man... I'm gonna get in so much trouble for that...