A Place to Call One's Own

I'm getting a little bit on in years. 34 is no spring chicken, you'll agree. It is conceivable that some day, possibly in the near future, I'm going to want to actually own my own residence. To that end I've been keeping my eye on the real estate market in my city, interest rates in general, and my bank account. I've also been doing more philosophical thinking about where I see myself in the future and where I would be most happy to die alone and angry at the world, bitter and spiteful to the end.

It was in this happy spirit of adventure that I began flipping through a copy of "Dream Homes", a free advertorial magazine showcasing all that's best and brightest in ownable properties in the greater Toronto area. I was only a few pages into the publication when I hit my "goodlooking, successful, inter-racial couples caught enjoying a laugh and a glass of wine in front of their cozy fireplace" limit. As I turned the page from the happy, active couple jogging past their quaint townhome to the beautiful, young couple hosting a barbecue on their new rooftop patio it occurred to me that I was not being sold condos or single-family homes, but a lifestyle.

And just in case I didn't pick up on that fact from the endless stream of slice-of-life pictures in the book, I'm sure I would have caught on when I read some of the names of the sites and manufacturing companies. It's no secret that marketing plays an important part when picking a name for your product, but there are very few places where I've seen such transparent attempts at influencing buyers than some of these developments. It's possible that some of these places actually live up to their names, but with the sheer volume of ugly, unimaginative new condos and houses going up every year in Toronto I can't help but think that a lot of them might be overcompensating.

There are three major naming categories that I've noticed. Let's look at each one in turn, shall we?

1. Back to Nature This is the category that appeals to the tired, crowded, traffic-beaten city dweller wishing to get away from it all. These names evoke peace, tranquility, harmony with the earth and all of its creatures, even in the very heart of the city. Which is important, as I'm sure the agents need all the help they can get to detract from the fact that a lot of these condos are being built right beside the expressway with an excellent view of railway yards and warehouses.

Real names in the magazine:
Autumn Grove
Wyndance Estates
The Greens of Uplands
Aspen Ridge Homes
Acorn on the Rouge

These wonderfully whimsical names really create an image in the mind's eye, don't they? It's an image of marketing executives racking their brains for every different kind of tree they can think of. But what do these name really tell you about the neighbourhoods they'll be in? If it were up to me I'd make up some names that reflects what life in the city is really like.

My suggestions:
Smoghaven
Eyesore on the Lake
Panhandle Grove
Siren Glen
Perpview Heights

2. Elitism Let's face it, you're special. You're not like the other lowly schlubs out there with their pathetic public schools, ridiculous economy cars, and sad reasonably priced housing, oh no. You need a living space that reflects that. One that demonstrates your exquisite style, sophistocation, and extraordinary success. You need a housing development that is as pretentious and overblown as you aspire to be.

Real Gag-Inducing Names:
Cachet Manors
Savoy at Camelot
Chateau Royal
The Mansions of Humberwood
The Tiara

Ugh. If you really need a piece of land with a title to prove your superiority, I've got some ideas for you.

My impertinent suggestions:
Facade Manors
The Fires of Babylon
Place des Poseurs
Covet Gardens
Chateau Snooty-git

3. Workmanship Everybody wants a nice home, one that is built to last and can withstand the test of time. Here's where a good, solid, reassuring name comes in to combat any doubts you may have about the standards of your chosen building company.

Some of my favourite real developer names:
Best Quality Homes
Century Grove Developments
Touchstone Homes
Empire Communities
Stone Manor Developments

Ah, those are names to warm your heart and give you confidence in your decision. Unfortunately, there are some disreputable companies out there that are more about making money and cutting corners rather than erecting quality homes and condos. If it were up to me I'd put a little more truth in these developers' advertising.

My cynical suggestions:
Matchbox Developments
Bluffmore Corp.
Lowtender Homes
Slapdash Estates
The Swindleton Group

Hm, I seem a little too leery of this whole buying a home thing. Maybe I should wait a little longer, say just until I actually have a full-time job, a down payment saved up, and a credit history that doesn't make mortgage officers burst out laughing.

I sure hope my landlords will put up with me for another fifteen years or so until that happens. If not I'll have to start looking at the Shanty Town down by the river for a new place. (Although, I believe they're calling it "Vagrant Falls Village" now.)