White Like Me

"They say not to be prejudiced, but when you live with it day in and day out, it's okay."

This sentence was uttered to me by a white woman I had just met over the holidays. We were chatting and she asked me where in Toronto I lived. I told her and she felt compelled to tell me how horrible my neighbourhood was. I ignored it. Later she was talking about how her son was a cop in my neck of the woods and that he liked this one girl who worked at a drug store on his beat. She jauntily told us "I asked him if she was black and he said no, so I told him to go for it! Ha, ha!" She must have seen my stricken face because she then uttered the above sentence as an explanation.

I could feel myself getting ready for a fight, but since this was an acquaintance of my sister's and this was supposed to be idle chatter until my nephew's hockey game started I tried hard to restrain myself. I goggled at her, caught myself, then stuttered, "I... I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean by it" Like most bigots she was taken aback that I should ask for an explanation of her words (you know what I mean), but she managed to tell me that she had lived in a similar neighbourhood to mine for twenty years and how those people "you know, the pakis and whatnot" wrecked it. "They're so dirty."

I looked over at my boyfriend and he looked away knowing that if I got the slightest encouragement I would turn the gathering into a rather uncomfortable discussion of socio-economics, anthropology, and immigration statistics. It took a herculean effort, but I managed to not say anything, so as not to be impolite to the 'nice' grandmother of one of my nephew's friends (my sister and brother-in-law see her all the time, I didn't want to make things uncomfortable for them in the future). But it galled me that in order to preserve the peace I had to let this person go away believing she had met yet another white person who shared her ignorant and insulting beliefs.

The sentence itself has echoed with me ever since, though, rolling around my head and knocking over similar sentences I've heard casually spoken throughout my life (most of them prefaced by the disclaimer "I'm not prejudiced, but..."):

1. "I don't want my kid going to a school with all those ragheads. He might come home one day and ask for some goddamn Indian food to eat or something."

2. "One day I'll get you to expand your mind and see that the Jews run everything. Just look at the entertainment industry. Perfect example."

3. "Take a look around a McDonald's one day. Watch what the black people order. I guarantee you it will be chicken."

4. "Those fucking nine-irons don't know how to drive. They're the ones that cause most of the accidents."

5. "You have such beautiful eyes for a nigger."

6. "Do you know that there are something like sixty-two nationalities living in the greater Toronto area?! Sixty-two!! *look of pure, unadulterated horror*

Some of these are laughably ridiculous ideas ("Junior asked for curry on his chicken last night. I -- I have no son!!"), some are downright shocking, and some I've heard so often it's almost become background noise, but all were spoken with such earnestness and an undercurrent of hatred and ignorance that it makes me sad and ashamed. (Did I mention that most of those sentences were said by members of my family and/or boyfriends that I've had? Yeah. I'm so proud.)

The thing that makes me the most sad, though, is that all of these things were said to, or around, me with the understanding that since I'm in the club (i.e. white) I agree and there is no need for censure or explanation. When I challenged them (in order: 1. That is simply the stupidest thing I've ever heard. 2. I think I'd need to narrow my mind considerably before that were to happen. 3. What in god's name is that even supposed to prove? 4. Please put down your cell phone and pay attention to the road. 5. *boggle* She did not just say that to you! *boggle* 6. Yeah, I know. I live in Toronto. I'm not sure what your point is.) I invariably get the "lighten up" argument, or worse, a host of the most ignorant, circular and thoughtless answers that it ends up giving me a headache. Still, I can't just let that kind of thing go. I cannot. I won't.

So I have now gained a reputation within my family and my circle of friends of being touchy about that sort of thing. Of course, that means that at family gatherings I'm subjected to even more jokes about towel-heads, porch monkeys and chinks than ever before, but I can deal with that. (If only one of them would be funny, though. Just once!)

I live in this city, with all of its diversity and I know the realities of it. And I have my prejudices just like anyone else. (For example, when on public transit I dread when a group of teenagers gets on the bus. I know they're going to talk about stupid things, be extremely loud and be as ignorant to others around them as possible. But then you encounter that one young homey with his baggy pants and his pager and his bling-bling that gets up right away to let an old man sit down, then on his way out tells the bus driver to have a nice day. And then you realize that is exactly why struggling to fight against prejudice is worthwhile. That is not the kind of behaviour someone should be surprised by.)

Yes, there are aspects of living in a multicultural society that I have problems dealing with, and not just on the language front (a lot of Chinese people have no understanding of what a "sticker price" is, Jamaicans have NO sense of the word "rush", and PLENTY of cultures have a real problem with women in positions of authority, or in some cases, even in possession of simple civil rights), but these are problems that arise out of clashing cultural values, and that can be dealt with. Prejudice takes the context out of the equation and assigns blame without thought and without remorse. It allows people to dismiss complex issues with a curt "well, what do you expect? All black people steal" or whatever, and leave it at that.

(I think it's the "without thought" part that really gets to me. You can hate whomever you want, but you'd better have put some thought into why you hate him/her if you want me to understand your point of view. "I just do!" will never be good enough to get me to join your ranks. I'm sorry.)

There are, of course, a lot of great things about living in a multicultural society as well. I get to overhear a lot of cool languages and try to imitate some excellent accents, I get to learn lots of great swearwords, try all sorts of food from all over the world (even though I am not very adventurous food-wise), learn about different religious traditions, etc. Also, the more one interacts with different cultures, the more one learns that people from other countries have their share of prejudiced jackasses, too. Yay!

There is a line in the musical Finian's Rainbow that has stuck with me since I heard it (I was in it as a kid, I think I was about 8 at the time). The evil plantation owner says to his friend "me and my family have been having trouble with immigrants ever since we came to this country!" Not only is it a great comic line, but also it is a wonderful illustration of the kind of oblivious pronouncements made by bigots and morons the whole world over.

And it's just this kind of statement that I have an inherent need to challenge, whether it comes from my friends, my family, myself (I certainly don't think I'm immune to uttering or thinking them), or a complete stranger. This little encounter was not my first, and probably won't be my last, run-in with someone who believes I'm okay with prejudice just because I'm white. (Isn't that just like a racist?) And I know that I will never change their opinions or beliefs with my little questions, sarcastic barbs or explanations of social theory. But that won't ever stop me from trying.

You hear that, Uncle Kenny?

[Editor's note: I have edited this little essay about ten times now and would like it known that each time I had to take out some schmaltzy ending or another that included the words "white... like me". You're welcome.]