Happy Days Reunion

Alrighty! The last two days I have been trying to emphasize good and positive things. Unfortunately, I haven't been too terribly positive, and I've only seemed to focus on myself. Today I decided to make up a list of ACTUAL good things that have NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with me. For real this time.

Here, then, is my list of really cool things about Nature:

1. Dolphins. They are the only animals that seem to truly give a rat's ass about us humans. (Sure, sure, dogs and cats act like they're our friends, but that's just because we feed them on a regular basis. At the first sign of hunger our furry "friends" will turn on us. When was the last time you heard about an old person found dead and half-eaten by their pet dolphin, huh?) Dolphins in the wild have been known to go out of their way to make contact with humans, to play with us and to even steer us away from danger. They seem to just plain like us and I'm not sure why (maybe because we invented the shiny red ball?) In any event, I'm glad they do and I'm glad they're around.

2. Thunderstorms. Enjoy one while sitting on a covered porch in a rocking chair. Get a comfy blanket and wrap it around you. Close your eyes and just listen. Repeat as necessary.

3. Regenerative tails. How cool is the ability to have your tail snap off when you're being attacked, only to have it grow back again later? Man, if humans had that ability with one or more of their limbs...well, Cops would just be a much more interesting show to watch, that's all I'm saying.

4. The always sweet, always magical cocoa bean. So much good has come from it. Its existence has made many, many people truly happy. And hyper. And fat. And pimply. But mostly happy.

5. Solar and lunar eclipses. Not only are they really cool events in and of themselves, but if you accidentally go back in time when one is scheduled to occur they are really helpful in tricking the natives into thinking that you are in fact a god. (Hint: if you can't swing an eclipse try to have a lighter with you. This might give you demi-god status for a little while. In any event it may distract them long enough for you to steal any large jewels that they may be using to represent their primary deity's bellybutton or eyes or what-have-you. Good luck!)

Well, that was fun! There really are lots of cool things about stuff that isn't about me. Who'da thunk it?

Happy Days

Okay, so yesterday was a little too me-driven. The world is a wide, wonderful place full of mystery and intrigue. So today I've decided to expand my positive energy to dwell on some of the good things about other stuff. Here, then, are five really cool things about NOT being me:

1. If you are not me, you never have to be reminded of Alanis Morrissette's loathesome existence every single damn time you are introduced to someone (you lucky, lucky bastard).

2. If you are not me, you might just be Tom Hanks...and he's got a great life!

3. When you are not me you probably use the internet to cruise more than just the three or four sites and, therefore, can handle it with aplomb when something happens to one or more of your favourites at a time instead of whining about it every day until they are back. (Unless of course you are my mom. In that case you have no idea what the internet is, but you're pretty sure it's going to steal your identity some day.*)

4. Because you are not me, when you happen to see me at a bar or another crowded public place you will think that I look vaguely like Jody Foster. For some reason this unremarkable revelation will surprise and delight you. You may even be so moved as to want to come up to me and let me know about your magical discovery. BUT DON'T DO IT! I wouldn't want to cheapen your superspecial secret by having you acknowledge it to someone else. You go on and keep that for you.

5. You, unlike me, can go the whole rest of your life never having to read another of my attempts at humour. (Once again, you lucky, lucky bastard.)

*right now I cannot for the life of me remember where I stole this joke from, but rest assured it is well and truly stolen.

Well. Hm. That still seemed a little too self-centered again, didn't it? Damn my eyes! Must...think...broader. Must...not...fill...diary...with...thoughts...only...about...self. Must...reach...remote-controlled...jetpack, etc.

Alrighty. I'm gonna do better tomorrow. Promise.

Let's Get Happy

Well, I've just been a big ol' pile of negative lately. The whole bad luck thing, war and anger everywhere, Mr. Rogers dying (!), etc. Things is coming up poopy, and when they do, I tend to get really down on life in general and myself in particular. But I would like to try and change that by talking about good, positive things only. So, um, how about...five really cool things about being me? Great, let's go:

1. I have very little body hair. The hair that I do have is quite blonde and, as such, barely visible. What this means in practical terms is that I have to shave my legs maybe six times a year. (In fact, me shaving my legs for the first time since New Years can only mean one thing around these parts: summertime!)

2. I do not spit in public.

3. I make it my business to scratch behind the ears of every dog that I have been formally introduced to (and many that I have just met casually). This policy also extends to any cat that will condescend to have me.

4. My vast knowledge of insignificant pop culture has allowed me to help settle bar disputes without the interested parties having to resort to violence (e.g. Robin Williams, Bill Murray and Steve Martin are comedians that made the big cross-over to serious acting. My boss actually bet me that I couldn't name three in five minutes or something. I ended up getting an extra vacation day for that one. And yes, we were at a bar.)

5. I have never once bought any of my four nephews clothing for any gift-giving occasion.

Yay! I did it! Wow. I must say that I feel much better about myself now. Maybe tomorrow I can think of some good things about other things which are not me-related. Yay!

"Ditto"
I was checking out the Crossing Over website yesterday, and I'm sorry, but whether you believe this John Edward guy or not, you have to agree that his t-shirts could have been made much more fun. A few suggestions:

"He's so good, even dead skeptics are intrigued."
"Recommended by Abe Lincoln. Honest."
or the always popular:
"Grandma communicated with me from beyond the grave and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."

But I kid the psychic phenomena. In actuality the complex emotional connections that people have with one another interest me.

In University we took a bit of paranormal psychology (for a whole two hours, woo). And while the professor was pretty flippant about it, she also pointed out that scientific theory relies on the ability to recreate tests in order to validate them. However, presumably the very emotional nature of things like precognition, feeling that someone you love hundreds of miles away is in danger, or talking to dead uncle Herbie, etc. is not likely to be able to be recreated in any way.

For example, to test the theory of gravity you could hold out a book and let it go and it will drop to the floor. You can recreate this experiment thousands of times. People can sit in the same chair, wear the same clothes, perform the same movements, etc. but their feelings, hormones, emotional state can never be recreated the exact same way from moment to moment. And when you factor in more than one person, the probability that you will be able to recreate the same situation for purposes of study is well nigh impossible. Does it mean that it didn't happen for real the first time?

It could be that talking to the dead, reading minds, being precognizant, etc. is all a giant load of bunk. Or it could be that we just have no way of adequately measuring its existence at this time. Like ultraviolet light. We didn't know it existed at one time because we had no way to see or study it. Or gravity for that matter.

Does that mean that I believe in Dial-a-Psychic? Hell no. But I know for a fact that Mom-Spidey-Senses exist (how she always knew I was eating cookies in the basement when I had taken such pains to be stealthy I'll never understand. It was like she could see through floors, man). But there's always room for doubt, is all I'm saying.

Ooh, another t-shirt possibility:
[with arrows pointing all around in every direction] "I'm always with stupid. Always."