Friday I'm in Love

Well, well, well. Another week has passed and I am still unemployed. If I keep this up long enough soon I'll be on vacation! I have to say that I am enjoying not working, but I tend not to get too much done in a day. I believe I'm following some sort of law or other about objects not being in motion tending to stay where the hell they are put. Or something.

At least I've updated all this week. I kind of like giving myself deadlines and such, probably because I can break them any time I want. (And people wonder why I don't want to work for myself. I'm such a pushover!)

With that, let us take a look at my final Favourite Laze-Enhancing Invention:

5. The Elevator (etc.)
My friend Terry wrote this story about two turtles, a young one and an old one. It was written from the turtles' perspectives, and when the young one described how he came to be in the new tank he said something along the lines of, "I was in the place of the many rocks and many turtles. Then God's hand came down and placed me in a box. God shook the box, and when He opened it again, I was here in the land of the lone rock which sits in water."

Sometimes when I step into an elevator I think of this story, because when you think about it, we're in one place when the door closes, then something magical happens that we cannot see, and when the door opens again we are in a different place. Well, okay, so it's not magic, but the point is this invention is wonderful nonetheless. It feels like magic. And it is probably the most truly laze-enhancing invention on my list.

Why take the stairs one flight up when you can push a button, wait two minutes, push the button again, wait another two minutes, get in, wait for the door to close, wait for it to slowly take you up one flight, wait for the doors to open again and voila! You've outwitted Evil Exercise one more time!

The only real problem that I have with elevators is the confusion factor. Every elevator tends to have it's own code that means "the floor that will get you out of the building". You've got your LL (lower level), your L (lobby), your C (concourse), and, of course, your G (Ground, OR Garage for extra deciphering fun!). I feel that there should be some sort of legislative body that regulates this sort of thing. I mean, where is the lazening factor when you've got to get out and walk up a flight of stairs just because you've gotten out on the garage level and don't want to look like a moron having to get back in and ride up again with people who have just gotten on? Tell me that.

There are of course similar devices to the elevator that work on the same "take as few steps as humanly possible to get somewhere" principle. The first is the fascinating and seemingly ubiquitous escalator. I mean, the stairs just disappear at the top and reappear at the bottom! I mean, maybe the turtles could explain it, but not me. All I know is that they're fun AND functional! Once a body gets over their inherent fear of getting on and off of them (and once you realize that in a subway situation you have to stand to the right, walk to the left) it's all good.

Also, when they break, and they break a lot, you can still use them as stairs! Sure, you're exercising by then, but if you walk smoothly enough you can fool your brain into thinking you're being carried magically upward.

The other similar machine is the moving sidewalk, a tread mill-type jobbie that is found mainly in huge airports in the middle of a huge concourse. It is usually only a few feet long and you have to get off almost as soon as you get on, just long enough for you to wonder why the hell they even bothered, and then another one springs up in view. You get on that one and only have enough time to read the ridiculous "WARNING: MOVING SIDEWALK ENDS IN TWO FEET. BE PREPARED TO GET OFF." "WARNING: MOVING SIDEWALK ENDS IN ONE FOOT. BE PREPARED TO GET OFF." as though we can't see that far in front of us. I'm hoping one day to see "MOVING SIDEWALK ENDS...NOW! GET OFF! NOWNOWNOW! OH MY GOD, YOU MISSED IT!"

Still, it keeps us from having to walk a bit and that makes it valuable in my estimation. Not as valuable as an elevator or an escalator, but lazeful in any case.

Well, that brings the week to a close. I'm glad that I took the time this week to honor Laziness, though. I really do feel that the world would be a better place if people just slowed down on the GOT TO GET SOMETHING STARTED, GOT TO BE BIGGER, GOT TO BE BETTER, LET'S PUT WHEELS ON IT, MORE, MORE, MORE mentality. I mean, what has our work ethic ever gotten us? 8000 tooth whitening products and a hole in the ozone as big as Jim Carey's ego.

Does this mean that I am against progress and industry? No, but I do think sometimes it's worthwhile to review how far we've come and ask ourselves if we really need another emaciated teen superstar with her own clothing line and set of hair care and lip gloss products. That's all I'm saying here.

I think.

Well, whatever, I'm off to play computer games. Have a good weekend all!

There are not Enough Songs About Thursdays

Last night the roommates and I attended a neighbourhood meeting that was organized by the lady who lives directly across the street from us. She is legitimately concerned about the crack house (for lack of a better phrase) right next door to her. She and others in the neighbourhood are also concerned about the five other similar houses in a four block radius owned by the same landlord of Italian extraction *cough-mafia-cough*. They thought it might be a good idea to try and organize ourselves to see what we might be able to do about it.

It was really strange, though. I've never really been much of a neighbour-y type of person and tend to keep to myself. I'll smile and say hello, but I don't want to know people's business and I would prefer if they didn't know mine. But the cause is a good one and the more friendly, lived-in and concerned our neighbourhood is, the less friendly it is for the crack dealers and prostitutes. After five years of living in this same house (and it is eight years for my roommates) we finally met and were introduced to more of the faces we see on a regular basis. It was kind of nice.

All of this has nothing whatsoever to do with the Laze-Inducing Invention I'm focusing on today, but it was something that happened to me that I thought I'd share. It is my blog, after all.

Stop looking at me like that. I'm getting to it. Man, you're so impatient! That is sooo like a North American. You want everything now! Now! NOW!!

4. The Microwave
Long, long ago a bunch of scientists got together and addressed one of the toughest problems facing our civilization at the time: how can we take the stress, worry and backbreaking labour out of making popcorn? They studied and argued, they researched and developed, they destroyed prototype after prototype. Lives were lost, hearts were broken, spirits were dampened and crushed. At one point they almost decided to go back to working on their combination cancer/heart disease-eating machine. But sanity prevailed, and at the end of it all, they had a working, gleaming microwave that stood five feet high and weighed a mere 800 pounds.

Soon, there was a microwave in every household and a grateful popcorn eating public hailed it as the most significant invention of whatever decade it actually came out in. Later, it was found that the device also worked for heating up other foods, and even liquids! And it did it in much less time than conventional heating up methods! Holy crow!

Since that time, the microwave has been instrumental in helping our society become the lazy, slothful cooks that they've always wanted to be. Within ten minutes of arriving home single working mothers all over the country can be heard to exclaim: *Ding!* "Frozen burritos are done!" *Ding!* "Canned Spaghetti-Os are ready!" *Ding!* "Duck a l'orange with roasted potatoes and glazed carrots is ready!" (Heheh, just kidding with that one.) *Ding!* "Popcorn's up!"

With the evening meal out of the way, mom can now relax on the sofa with a box of bonbons, a glass of wine and a good book. That is, if the children can just leave her alone for FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES. THAT'S ALL I ASK!! GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY! WELL THEN MAKE A SNOWMAN! USE YOUR IMAGINATION! I HAD TO WHEN I WAS A KID! I SWEAR TO GOD YOU KIDS ARE GOING TO DRIVE ME INTO AN INSANE ASYLUM!! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?! IS IT?!

Um, where was I? Oh yes.

The microwave. From reheating three-hour-old coffee to arming a pizza pocket with a molten core of sauce and cheese, it's an invention that brings out the loafer in all of us. What you choose to do with the seemingly endless three-to-five minutes it now takes to prepare any meal is up to you. Stand, lean, whistle, hum. Or simply do nothing. That is the beauty of the microwave, Thurdays's celebrated Laze-Enhancing Invention. The possibilities are endless! *Ding!*

Waiting for Wednesday

So I had your typical personnel interview/testing yesterday and man, was it typical. I had to file things in order of the alphabet, correct misspelled words, do a typing test and (*dun, dun, dun*) add and subtract numbers together.

Now, most of the test was easy as pie and I should have aced it. Except, well, it was timed and it was in front of two young admin people who had not much to do except kinda stare at me while I did it. I also knew that as soon as I handed it in they'd make fun of any little mistake I had made, which made me twitchy and nervous, which in turn made me second guess everything that I thought I knew for certain.

Also, my worst subject ever is math, even the simple kind. It's like I'm dyslexic with numbers or something, and when someone's watching me I go into a spiral of self-doubt that makes me question whether 2 plus 2 really equals four. (No, wait, 2 times 2 equals four, doesn't it? That doesn't make sense. They can't both equal four...can they? Fuck!)

Which brings me to today's Excellent Laze Enhancing Invention:

3. The Calculator
This is one of those inventions that made all the parents in the world worry about the children. "But, but...if they can just punch in numbers and get the right answer without having to think, there will be anarchy and the moon will eat the sun and chaos and bloodshed will reign forever and ever!! Plus, who wants a bunch of McDonald's managers who can't figure out correct change? Oh doom! Doooooooooooom!!"

*sigh* Parents!

But despite all the rhetoric and nay-saying, calculators have continued to flourish in the North American classroom. Contrary to the negative effect some adults thought they would have on children, they have in fact encouraged curiosity in and creativity with numbers, especially when the device is turned upside down. (Hint: you can spell a mild oath or a happy greeting!) And with all the time that children are saving from not having to learn their multiplication tables and whatnot they are freed up to learn the valuable customer service skills that will be more helpful to them in the long run than being able to find the square root of an isosceles triangle (or whatever, who pays attention?)

Best of all, the calculator is very, very environmentally sound. Not only does it save on reams of scrap "show your work" paper, but it was the first widely available electronic device to run mainly on solar power. And it's small enough to fit in a pocket or on a geeky digital watch. (Take that fingers and toes!)

The Calculator: friend to the taxpayer, the restaurant tipper, and personnel agency test-taker alike. The only thing it can't account for is human error!

And that makes it Wednesday's tiny giant in the Lazeful Hall of Fame.

Ruby Tuesday

Well, I've actually got an interview at noon, so I'd better bang this out pronto so that I can take my time getting ready. (It's been so long since I've gotten ready for work that I might forget an important step.)

Well, today I continue my salute to Laze-Inducing Inventions. Next up:

2. The Television Remote Control
I know I've said this before, but as the youngest child in a family growing up in the 70's I effectively was the channel changer for about a decade of my life. My sisters thought nothing of punching me until I got up and changed the channel, and I of course had to stay by the television until they decided on a program they liked, or there'd be heck to pay when I went to sit down again. In a funny way, I guess I was their energy-saving device.

As a channel monkey I would also be in charge of getting the station to come in as clear as possible (this was before cable, children). This involved moving the aerial around until the station stopped squiggling around and being fuzzy. Of course, every one of us knew that the picture would come in clear as a bell as long as we held onto the aerial and stood to the side with our leg in the air, but as soon as we'd go to sit down it would go back to the white-noised mess it was before.

And then... In the Year of Our Lord Nineteen Hundred and Eighty-Four something wonderful happened. My mom finally caved and installed glorious cable television (withOUT the porn channels, though. I'd still have to go to my friend's house for that.) The really wonderful thing about it was that it came with a... a... *sniff* remote control. Of course, my sisters had moved out of the house by then, but I had grown into a lazy teen myself, and it was still a glorious, glorious time to be alive.

Sure, it was still connected by a cord to the box on the television, but it was just about long enough to reach our couch. All one had to do was to strain on the edge of the cushions with arms outstretched to reach the magic "clicker", as we called it, and pretend that we were relaxing in comfort as we changed back and forth from The Beastmaster to a documentary on World War II to The Cosby Show to the Parliament Channel. Also, you still had to get up to adjust the volume. But it was wonderful nonetheless.

Over the years remote controls have changed. They've converted over from great big round dials to giant clicky buttons to smaller, more wieldy buttons; from consoles as big as a binder to sleek beautiful wands that are easily misplaced and broken. Remote controls freed a generation of child slaves from channel changery, made advertisers renegotiate their contracts with the devil in order to get and keep our attention, but most importantly, saved people from the mental strain of staring at a thing intently for long minutes to see if they could use telekinesis on an object far away.

The clicker, the changer, the converter... Call it what you may, but the remote control has forever changed our lives and enlazened us to a massive degree. Just witness the panic that is induced when one goes missing. Thank you, remote control inventors. Without your vision heart disease and thunder-thighism would not be what they are today.

Just Another Manic Monday

Well, I was going to get up early and hit the job market right at 9:00 this morning, but we had friends over from Vancouver and they didn't leave until about 10:15. I couldn't just ignore them and let them get ready and leave on their own, so I had to hang about until they were ready to shove off and I could bid them farewell. Then I had to have a piece of my roommate's birthday cake for breakfast. Then I had to update this thing...

Sheesh! Now it's about 10:15 and I won't be done this update until well after 10:30, I mean, my whole schedule is out of whack. I think I'll just throw up my hands and forget about the whole job search thing today. Better to start out fresh again tomorrow morning, right? I mean, employers can tell when you're frazzled and frustrated, right?

Anywho, I thought this week I'd take another swing at daily updating. And what can be more fitting for a theme this week than laziness? Well, I'm sure there are better ones, but I really can't be bothered to find them.

I am a lazy person. Given the choice between hiking up a mountain and "lying on the beach perpetratin' a tan" (as the kids say) I'll always take the latter. I can waste a day easier than anyone I know. I believe that is called a Type B personality. (B being a full grade lower than A, of course.)

But our Western society has a prejudice against lazy people. Sure, it stems mostly from the fact that lazy people smell bad a lot (on accounta their poor hygiene), but it's more than that. It has become institutionalized prejudice. Check this shit out: most of the employment ads I've seen lately state requirements like "highly motivated", "dynamic", "assertive self-starter", and even "Type A personality". You see what I mean? The Man wants us to be soooo busy we don't have time to think about how unhappy we are, about the state of the world, about the war. They're in it with the oil companies, dude.

But I propose that a lot of good has come from laziness. In fact, most of our best inventions have come from the desire to be lazy. From The Clapper (tm) to The Pet Rock (tm) these are the inventions that save time and, most importantly, precious, precious energy. Therefore, this week I intend to look at Five of my Favourite Laze-Inducing Inventions.

1. Home Computers and the Internet
My life became much, much easier when I finally joined the ranks of the electronically liberated. The year was 2000 and I bought my first and only laptop computer. I paid the phone company to hook me up to the internet. Then I sat back and brought the world to my bedroom (and I didn't even have to clean it up first!)

Not only is it easier to get and enjoy pornography now, but the internet allows me to find more ways to spend all of the precious time I've saved from not having to go to the library, from not having to pick up and look through my dictionary, from not having to do simple addition and multiplication in my head, etc. etc.

The internet has allowed me to almost eradicate live human interaction from my life, a thing that almost certainly takes a lot of energy to deal with. Now when I want to argue with someone I can go to any online community there is and start shooting my mouth off without having to worry about seeing the hurt faces of the people I've insulted, or indeed even wait around for their response. I can shop online and not have to deal with surly cashiers and smelly customers. I can do my banking online without shame and having to deal with the pitying looks of the tellers. I can file my taxes without having to worry about my guilty expression giving me away. And I can find out about all sorts of embarrassing medical symptoms without having to worry about pesky qualified physicians giving me competent treatment. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Thank you man and/or woman who may or may not have invented the computer and/or the internet! Your quest for laziness has enhanced our lives in so many, many ways. We the Slothful salute you!