Friday I'm in Love
Well, well, well. Another week has passed and I am still unemployed. If I keep this up long enough soon I'll be on vacation! I have to say that I am enjoying not working, but I tend not to get too much done in a day. I believe I'm following some sort of law or other about objects not being in motion tending to stay where the hell they are put. Or something.
At least I've updated all this week. I kind of like giving myself deadlines and such, probably because I can break them any time I want. (And people wonder why I don't want to work for myself. I'm such a pushover!)
With that, let us take a look at my final Favourite Laze-Enhancing Invention:
5. The Elevator (etc.)
My friend Terry wrote this story about two turtles, a young one and an old one. It was written from the turtles' perspectives, and when the young one described how he came to be in the new tank he said something along the lines of, "I was in the place of the many rocks and many turtles. Then God's hand came down and placed me in a box. God shook the box, and when He opened it again, I was here in the land of the lone rock which sits in water."
Sometimes when I step into an elevator I think of this story, because when you think about it, we're in one place when the door closes, then something magical happens that we cannot see, and when the door opens again we are in a different place. Well, okay, so it's not magic, but the point is this invention is wonderful nonetheless. It feels like magic. And it is probably the most truly laze-enhancing invention on my list.
Why take the stairs one flight up when you can push a button, wait two minutes, push the button again, wait another two minutes, get in, wait for the door to close, wait for it to slowly take you up one flight, wait for the doors to open again and voila! You've outwitted Evil Exercise one more time!
The only real problem that I have with elevators is the confusion factor. Every elevator tends to have it's own code that means "the floor that will get you out of the building". You've got your LL (lower level), your L (lobby), your C (concourse), and, of course, your G (Ground, OR Garage for extra deciphering fun!). I feel that there should be some sort of legislative body that regulates this sort of thing. I mean, where is the lazening factor when you've got to get out and walk up a flight of stairs just because you've gotten out on the garage level and don't want to look like a moron having to get back in and ride up again with people who have just gotten on? Tell me that.
There are of course similar devices to the elevator that work on the same "take as few steps as humanly possible to get somewhere" principle. The first is the fascinating and seemingly ubiquitous escalator. I mean, the stairs just disappear at the top and reappear at the bottom! I mean, maybe the turtles could explain it, but not me. All I know is that they're fun AND functional! Once a body gets over their inherent fear of getting on and off of them (and once you realize that in a subway situation you have to stand to the right, walk to the left) it's all good.
Also, when they break, and they break a lot, you can still use them as stairs! Sure, you're exercising by then, but if you walk smoothly enough you can fool your brain into thinking you're being carried magically upward.
The other similar machine is the moving sidewalk, a tread mill-type jobbie that is found mainly in huge airports in the middle of a huge concourse. It is usually only a few feet long and you have to get off almost as soon as you get on, just long enough for you to wonder why the hell they even bothered, and then another one springs up in view. You get on that one and only have enough time to read the ridiculous "WARNING: MOVING SIDEWALK ENDS IN TWO FEET. BE PREPARED TO GET OFF." "WARNING: MOVING SIDEWALK ENDS IN ONE FOOT. BE PREPARED TO GET OFF." as though we can't see that far in front of us. I'm hoping one day to see "MOVING SIDEWALK ENDS...NOW! GET OFF! NOWNOWNOW! OH MY GOD, YOU MISSED IT!"
Still, it keeps us from having to walk a bit and that makes it valuable in my estimation. Not as valuable as an elevator or an escalator, but lazeful in any case.
Well, that brings the week to a close. I'm glad that I took the time this week to honor Laziness, though. I really do feel that the world would be a better place if people just slowed down on the GOT TO GET SOMETHING STARTED, GOT TO BE BIGGER, GOT TO BE BETTER, LET'S PUT WHEELS ON IT, MORE, MORE, MORE mentality. I mean, what has our work ethic ever gotten us? 8000 tooth whitening products and a hole in the ozone as big as Jim Carey's ego.
Does this mean that I am against progress and industry? No, but I do think sometimes it's worthwhile to review how far we've come and ask ourselves if we really need another emaciated teen superstar with her own clothing line and set of hair care and lip gloss products. That's all I'm saying here.
I think.
Well, whatever, I'm off to play computer games. Have a good weekend all!
At least I've updated all this week. I kind of like giving myself deadlines and such, probably because I can break them any time I want. (And people wonder why I don't want to work for myself. I'm such a pushover!)
With that, let us take a look at my final Favourite Laze-Enhancing Invention:
5. The Elevator (etc.)
My friend Terry wrote this story about two turtles, a young one and an old one. It was written from the turtles' perspectives, and when the young one described how he came to be in the new tank he said something along the lines of, "I was in the place of the many rocks and many turtles. Then God's hand came down and placed me in a box. God shook the box, and when He opened it again, I was here in the land of the lone rock which sits in water."
Sometimes when I step into an elevator I think of this story, because when you think about it, we're in one place when the door closes, then something magical happens that we cannot see, and when the door opens again we are in a different place. Well, okay, so it's not magic, but the point is this invention is wonderful nonetheless. It feels like magic. And it is probably the most truly laze-enhancing invention on my list.
Why take the stairs one flight up when you can push a button, wait two minutes, push the button again, wait another two minutes, get in, wait for the door to close, wait for it to slowly take you up one flight, wait for the doors to open again and voila! You've outwitted Evil Exercise one more time!
The only real problem that I have with elevators is the confusion factor. Every elevator tends to have it's own code that means "the floor that will get you out of the building". You've got your LL (lower level), your L (lobby), your C (concourse), and, of course, your G (Ground, OR Garage for extra deciphering fun!). I feel that there should be some sort of legislative body that regulates this sort of thing. I mean, where is the lazening factor when you've got to get out and walk up a flight of stairs just because you've gotten out on the garage level and don't want to look like a moron having to get back in and ride up again with people who have just gotten on? Tell me that.
There are of course similar devices to the elevator that work on the same "take as few steps as humanly possible to get somewhere" principle. The first is the fascinating and seemingly ubiquitous escalator. I mean, the stairs just disappear at the top and reappear at the bottom! I mean, maybe the turtles could explain it, but not me. All I know is that they're fun AND functional! Once a body gets over their inherent fear of getting on and off of them (and once you realize that in a subway situation you have to stand to the right, walk to the left) it's all good.
Also, when they break, and they break a lot, you can still use them as stairs! Sure, you're exercising by then, but if you walk smoothly enough you can fool your brain into thinking you're being carried magically upward.
The other similar machine is the moving sidewalk, a tread mill-type jobbie that is found mainly in huge airports in the middle of a huge concourse. It is usually only a few feet long and you have to get off almost as soon as you get on, just long enough for you to wonder why the hell they even bothered, and then another one springs up in view. You get on that one and only have enough time to read the ridiculous "WARNING: MOVING SIDEWALK ENDS IN TWO FEET. BE PREPARED TO GET OFF." "WARNING: MOVING SIDEWALK ENDS IN ONE FOOT. BE PREPARED TO GET OFF." as though we can't see that far in front of us. I'm hoping one day to see "MOVING SIDEWALK ENDS...NOW! GET OFF! NOWNOWNOW! OH MY GOD, YOU MISSED IT!"
Still, it keeps us from having to walk a bit and that makes it valuable in my estimation. Not as valuable as an elevator or an escalator, but lazeful in any case.
Well, that brings the week to a close. I'm glad that I took the time this week to honor Laziness, though. I really do feel that the world would be a better place if people just slowed down on the GOT TO GET SOMETHING STARTED, GOT TO BE BIGGER, GOT TO BE BETTER, LET'S PUT WHEELS ON IT, MORE, MORE, MORE mentality. I mean, what has our work ethic ever gotten us? 8000 tooth whitening products and a hole in the ozone as big as Jim Carey's ego.
Does this mean that I am against progress and industry? No, but I do think sometimes it's worthwhile to review how far we've come and ask ourselves if we really need another emaciated teen superstar with her own clothing line and set of hair care and lip gloss products. That's all I'm saying here.
I think.
Well, whatever, I'm off to play computer games. Have a good weekend all!
posted by Alanis at
8:41 AM
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