Small Talk Explained
Today I was strolling along on the internet, surfing for various whatnots, when I happened upon a site that took me by surprise.
Now, I wouldn't say I was the best at the conversation, but I'm confident enough in my ability to talk small that, thankfully, I don't need a course like this to help me out.
However, I realize that not all people are comfortable when in a party setting. I also know that not everyone has $350 to spare to learn not to be an idiot. So I thought I'd do my best to help out by putting up this quick, easy tutorial using some of the sections the linked site mentions.
For FREE.
Small Talk 101
Let's take a look at a simple social situation that you may find yourself in, such as a party. I'll show some common errors that people often fall into (NO), and then offer some more acceptable alternatives (YES) that should work in most circumstances.
Introducing yourself.
NO:
"My name is… Uh… Um, I knew it this morning… It's right on the tip of my, um… oh, what do you call that thing in your mouth again? Stupid, stupid, stupid!" *hits self repeatedly*
YES:
"My name is [state name]. Hello."
What do you say after you say hello?
NO:
"I'm so very lonely."
"I sure hope you like drunk people!"
"You're very [tall/short/fat/Irish/buxom, etc.]!"
"I like you. I think I'll kill you last."
YES
"How do you do?"
"It is a pleasure to meet you."
"You have a lovely home."
How to start a conversation.
NO:
"Hoo boy, do I make a lot of money! You?"
"My, what a fascinating deformity you have! Do you mind if I touch it?"
"I've never cared for [ethnic slur]. Frankly, I don't trust them."
"You know, the interesting thing about my labia is…"
"I'm in advertising."
YES:
"May I enquire as to your opinion of the local sports team and their chances of winning the big tournament this year?"
"The weather certainly has been [state weather condition] lately. Would you care to speculate on its continuance?"
"Have you had occasion to engage in any good popular culture lately, such as a movie or book?"
"I bet you have a strong opinion about the current government. Am I right?"
Disagreeing politely.
NO:
"Were you born this stupid or have you had to work hard at it your whole life?"
"Wow. It's amazing how you can walk around so well with your head stuck so far up your own ass."
"WRONG! *Punches person in face*"
YES:
"Perhaps it would be better to agree to disagree, and leave it at that. May I offer you another cocktail?"
"To avoid any further argument, maybe we should change the subject. What is your opinion of [non-controversial topic, such as cheese]?"
Handling feelings of rejection.
NO:
Huddling in a corner, rocking back and forth, muttering to yourself.
Hiding in the bathroom all night.
Uncontrollable sobbing.
YES:
Smile, though your heart is aching.
Smile, even though it's breaking.
Drink.
Think wry thoughts about their pointless lives and inevitable deaths.
Graceful exits.
NO:
"Smell ya later, No-boobs!"
"Where's the nearest bar?"
In response to the phrase, "See you later.": "[Not if I see you first!/Thanks for the warning!/Is that a threat?] HARHARHARHAR!"
"Drop dead."
YES:
"Good-bye. Thanks so much."
"I had a lovely time. I only hope that when the time comes I can welcome others into my home with as much courtesy and warmth as I received here today."
In response to the phrase, "See you later": "[Yes, see you later!/Alrighty, then!/Buh-bye!]."
"Good-bye, and thanks again."
That concludes my quick tutorial on small talk. These few scenarios should get you through your next party. And I hope that this course has helped, in some small way, to showcase the pitfalls and common goofs that the uninitiated can sometimes stumble upon.
Social situations can be very stressful if you're feeling self-conscious, so the number one rule to remember is: RELAX. Take a deep breath and realize that you're talking to someone else who is probably just as nervous as you.
No wait. Maybe THIS is the number one rule to remember: If in doubt, for god's sake just keep your mouth shut. Better to have people think you're stuck-up than a babbling idiot. Plus, whatever you were going to say was probably stupid anway.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Now, I wouldn't say I was the best at the conversation, but I'm confident enough in my ability to talk small that, thankfully, I don't need a course like this to help me out.
However, I realize that not all people are comfortable when in a party setting. I also know that not everyone has $350 to spare to learn not to be an idiot. So I thought I'd do my best to help out by putting up this quick, easy tutorial using some of the sections the linked site mentions.
For FREE.
Small Talk 101
Let's take a look at a simple social situation that you may find yourself in, such as a party. I'll show some common errors that people often fall into (NO), and then offer some more acceptable alternatives (YES) that should work in most circumstances.
Introducing yourself.
NO:
"My name is… Uh… Um, I knew it this morning… It's right on the tip of my, um… oh, what do you call that thing in your mouth again? Stupid, stupid, stupid!" *hits self repeatedly*
YES:
"My name is [state name]. Hello."
What do you say after you say hello?
NO:
"I'm so very lonely."
"I sure hope you like drunk people!"
"You're very [tall/short/fat/Irish/buxom, etc.]!"
"I like you. I think I'll kill you last."
YES
"How do you do?"
"It is a pleasure to meet you."
"You have a lovely home."
How to start a conversation.
NO:
"Hoo boy, do I make a lot of money! You?"
"My, what a fascinating deformity you have! Do you mind if I touch it?"
"I've never cared for [ethnic slur]. Frankly, I don't trust them."
"You know, the interesting thing about my labia is…"
"I'm in advertising."
YES:
"May I enquire as to your opinion of the local sports team and their chances of winning the big tournament this year?"
"The weather certainly has been [state weather condition] lately. Would you care to speculate on its continuance?"
"Have you had occasion to engage in any good popular culture lately, such as a movie or book?"
"I bet you have a strong opinion about the current government. Am I right?"
Disagreeing politely.
NO:
"Were you born this stupid or have you had to work hard at it your whole life?"
"Wow. It's amazing how you can walk around so well with your head stuck so far up your own ass."
"WRONG! *Punches person in face*"
YES:
"Perhaps it would be better to agree to disagree, and leave it at that. May I offer you another cocktail?"
"To avoid any further argument, maybe we should change the subject. What is your opinion of [non-controversial topic, such as cheese]?"
Handling feelings of rejection.
NO:
Huddling in a corner, rocking back and forth, muttering to yourself.
Hiding in the bathroom all night.
Uncontrollable sobbing.
YES:
Smile, though your heart is aching.
Smile, even though it's breaking.
Drink.
Think wry thoughts about their pointless lives and inevitable deaths.
Graceful exits.
NO:
"Smell ya later, No-boobs!"
"Where's the nearest bar?"
In response to the phrase, "See you later.": "[Not if I see you first!/Thanks for the warning!/Is that a threat?] HARHARHARHAR!"
"Drop dead."
YES:
"Good-bye. Thanks so much."
"I had a lovely time. I only hope that when the time comes I can welcome others into my home with as much courtesy and warmth as I received here today."
In response to the phrase, "See you later": "[Yes, see you later!/Alrighty, then!/Buh-bye!]."
"Good-bye, and thanks again."
That concludes my quick tutorial on small talk. These few scenarios should get you through your next party. And I hope that this course has helped, in some small way, to showcase the pitfalls and common goofs that the uninitiated can sometimes stumble upon.
Social situations can be very stressful if you're feeling self-conscious, so the number one rule to remember is: RELAX. Take a deep breath and realize that you're talking to someone else who is probably just as nervous as you.
No wait. Maybe THIS is the number one rule to remember: If in doubt, for god's sake just keep your mouth shut. Better to have people think you're stuck-up than a babbling idiot. Plus, whatever you were going to say was probably stupid anway.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
posted by Alanis at
7:09 AM
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