Tele Vision

The thing about watching a lot of television is that you've seen so much of it, you start to think you're an expert. I've spent approximately 30 years of my life staring at a little electronic box. I was there when a gentle Japanese maid helped Mr. Eddie's Father handle his adorable yet precocious son. I was there when they advertised cigarettes and hard liquor freely. I was there the first time the word "bitch" was spoken on prime time. If I'm not an authority on television, what the hell am I?

Now that my credibility is well and truly established, let me hold forth on my views of the hottest new craze to hit the small screen: cinema verite, or as I like to call it the worst television idea since Cop Rock.

I don't know who the genius was who first thought it would be cool to record their show as though the cameraperson was just peeled off the barstool of the nearest gin joint, but I can honestly say that I'd like to punch them in the mouth. Repeatedly.

Oh and I bet, I just bet they pitched the technique as being "edgy", "gritty" and "outside the box" rather than the more correct "stupid", "annoying" and "headache-inducing".

Okay, okay, I'll admit when it first came out years and years and YEARS ago it was kinda cool. Using a shaky hand-held camera was another tool a director could use to tell a story, to give a feeling of it's-happening-right-this-minute to the show. But that was in the mid 90s people. Now the technique has become so commonplace that they're using it for everything from gritty courtroom dramas to whiny sitcoms to bran cereal commercials. And I believe that it is time we as a viewing public stood up and said, "for god's sake invest in a tripod!"

My biggest beef with this revolutionary method of switching the camera to the "inexperienced documentary film student on cocaine" setting is just that. If I wanted to see a poorly framed, shaky, barely watchable piece of video I'd make my own damn show. (I've got one from this past Halloween party of a three-minute conversation while zoomed in on an elbow I can show you if you like.)

And I think now they think that the shaky camera is the only way I'll believe that this is REAL, DAMMIT. But if I'm already willing to believe that a group of extremely beautiful people survived a catastrophic plane crash and now are living on an island full of dinosaurs and aliens and stuff, no amount of out-of-control bouncing through the jungle every time a character runs from something will make me any more credulous at this point.

Whatever happened to pride? Whatever happened to cinematography? Whatever happened to not wanting to make your audience feel like vomiting? Call me old fashioned, but I believe if you're going to go to all the trouble of writing, directing and producing a show and hiring extremely beautiful actors to be in it, you should let the viewing public watch it in steady, beautiful shots, not as though you've let Timmy the ADD-afflicted neighbour boy come in and play with the camera for a few hours.

How it should be shot:
Beautiful Man: [close up of his beautiful face with the sun setting beautifully behind] But, Felicia... why? Don't you love me any more? I... I don't understand...

Beautiful Woman: [jumpcut to a close up of her beautiful, tear-stained face] Oh, Brick, if only it were that simple. I, I thought I loved you once. But that was so very long ago...[slow pan into the sunset, fade into heartbreaking flashback]

How it is invariably shot now:
Beautiful Man: [fast-zoom close up of his beautiful face] But, [extreme pullback] Felicia... [slight adjustment to correct focus] why? [zoom in on beautiful left peck] Don't you [extreme pullback, fast-zoom into upper right-hand side of beautiful face] love me any more? [slight adjustment to left, beautiful face is finally in view] I... I don't [extreme zoom-in on beautiful nose and upper lip, extreme pullback] understand...

Beautiful Woman: [whiplash pan to beautiful woman's right shoulder] Oh, Brick, [extreme pullback, camera floats around trying to find subject] if only it [camera finds beautiful woman, frames her from waist up] were [half-zoom to frame beautiful woman from shoulders up] that simple. [extreme close-up of beautiful cleavage, quick pan up to beautiful left ear] I, I thought I [extreme pullback, float around a bit, extreme closeup on beautiful right eyebrow] loved you once [camera follows slight head tilt wildy out of range to the left]. But that [extreme pan wildly out of range to the right] was so very long ago...[quick, merciful jumpcut to the flashback]

I'm sorry, but this is anything but reality to me. Whenever I've had a heartfelt discussion of my past relationship with my gorgeous, musclebound millionaire ex-boyfriend named after a building material I stood fairly still during the whole thing. I think most of us do in that situation. So I fail to see where the shaky camera thing adds any value in this instance. Or indeed in any instance, come to mention it.

But I guess that just happens to be my expert opinion on cinema verite. You can take it or leave it of course. If you care to take it please send me an email to whatiswrongwithyoupeoplefocusforfucksakesFOCUS!@hotmail.com and I will send you some literature on how we can all take steps to help stop this nightmarish epidemic in its tracks (it does involve various felonies, so be forewarned).

And if you care to leave it, well, I... I guess I can't stop you... [slow pan into the sunset, fade into next webpage]