Kenny Bless Us, Everyone

They say that it is better to give than to receive. Well, from personal experience, I think they may be right.

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, my mom was given a gift by a neighbour. It was a gift so hideous, and yet so earnestly given, that she of course had to accept it graciously, and with a straight face. Not only that, but it was a one-of-a-kind handmade hideous gift, and my mother felt compelled to hang it in our home lest said neighbour were to drop by unexpectedly. We kids, of course, laughed heartily and teased my poor mum mercilessly about it. (I'm sorry, but we're jerky, it's what we do.)

But that isn't the full extent of jerkiness, oh, no. When we moved out of the neighbourhood I felt it was my duty to pass on the joy of receiving an uncomfortably dreadful gift to various friends.

I gave it to many of my friends as a fake gift. It was wonderful. I got to see the initial pain of my dear friends having to be polite in the face of being given something so truly appalling, then the blessed relief they got when they found out it was only a joke.

Witness:

My friend Tom struggles with etiquette as his then-girlfriend offers no bloody help at all.

Tom shows off his lovely gift, as his girlfriend doubles over with emotional support.

It's really the closest thing to a practical joke that I've ever gotten to. I can never bear to make people feel uncomfortable for more than a minute or two. I squirmed terribly as one of my sweet friends stammered out that she always kind of liked that one Kenny Rogers song, and that it was a pretty shade of blue. I would have been completely ashamed of myself if she hadn't instantly suggested we do the same thing to Tom once she found out it was a joke.

Then one day a friend of mine ruined all my fun. She declared that she actually wanted the gift and she made me let her keep it! She explained that it was selfish of me to keep the fun all to myself and that others could use the delight of a Kenny-gifting encounter, too.

Of course, she was right.

She then "paid it forward" to a friend of hers that I don't know, and I've never seen the wonderful gift again. That was about fourteen years ago. *sigh*

Since then, life has carried on as normal, and each year I get nice, thoughtful gifts from friends and family that I enjoy. Useful things, tasteful things, things that I have asked for. Still, I dream that one of these bright Christmas mornings I may just open an awkwardly-shaped present and rediscover the joy that a Kenny Rogers-glitter-jumpsuit-guitar-clock miracle can bring to a gloomy, world-weary heart!

This holiday season, let me extend the same hope for you and your loved ones. May the glitter of a gold and blue jumpsuit be with you all! And to all a good night!