Beauty Tips for the Somnambulist

The other day my hair dryer died, which meant that I had to get a new one. I went to the store thinking I'd just get some plain old thing, but I little did I know what awaited me. I soon discovered that there have been serious advancements in the hairdrying field in the last few years. There is even a brand out there that finally activates anti-static ions in the hair when operating it (or it repels them... frankly the science behind it is beyond me). Well, however it works it will condition my hair and make it shinier, softer, more voluminous, blonder, stronger and more luxurious every time I dry it. And it looks just like a regular dryer.

Through years of selfless scientific work they have toiled and been able to bring this technology to me. Do you understand the significance of this? Do you?

I naturally bought it.

And just like any responsible consumer once I got it home I immediately perused the instruction manual to learn how to properly operate my brand new appliance. It was then that made me think that the good people at Vidal Sassoon might not be the crackerjack team of scientists they led me to believe they were.

The beginning of their IMPORTANT SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS pamphlet is pretty standard stuff, such as do not immerse in water, keep away from children (always a good idea I feel), never use appliance for anything other than its intended use, etc. Then it starts to get weird.

First off, they seem to be implying something lude about removing the power cord from the wall. Example:

To reduce the risk of death by electric shock:
1. Always "unplug it" immediatly after using.

Is it just me, or does there seem to an unspoken nudge and a wink here? You know... "unplug it"? Nhuh? Nhuh? And this is not an isolated incident. Every time they use the phrase, it's got those suspicious quote marks. Intriguing, if not unnerving. What do they mean?

The next bit also caused me some vague alarm:

WARNING: To reduce the risk of burns, electrocution, fire or injury to persons:[...]
2. Close supervision is necessary when this appliance is used by, on, or near children or individuals with certain disabilities.

Okay, fine.

WHICH certain disabilities?! A game leg? Tinitis? Acute dyspepsia? Gastroenteritis? For god's sake, would my fibro-myalgic mother be taking her life into her own hands if she borrowed my dryer? Tell me, you unfeeling bastards! Tell me!

The final perplexing instruction (and my personal favourite) is as follows:

7. Never use while sleeping.

Thank god someone has finally had the brass cajones to say something about this epidemic. I don't know how many times I've had to stop people from using my small appliances while they're fast asleep. "Look," I've had to say to them once they woke up, "I know you want to get a head start on looking good, but for Christ's sake, curling your hair when you're deep in a rem pattern is not only idiotic, but downright dangerous." Of course, they just scoff, tell me I'm an over-cautious square, then go back to bed carrying a blender.

But maybe this is a good sign. Maybe it's the beginning of a new awareness campaign, much like M.A.D.D. We could call it Scientists Against Sleep-Drying Incidents, or S.A.S.D.I. for short. Maybe have a tagline like, "Take it from S.A.S.D.I., sleep-drying is nasty." Or maybe something cryptic like "Unplug it: You know what we mean."

I know, I know, we're all sick of awareness raising campaigns. But if it will mean the end to the almost nightly electrocutions we've all seen lately, then I'm sure we'd all be for it.