And I'm Back

Well, I am no longer employed. I spent a week training the new person to take over, and then I took a week off to enjoy my newfound freedom (and to come in one day to work and finish up some stuff - so I guess THIS is really my first week of real freedom). But I can't use that as an excuse. I should have MORE time for my blogging now that I'm unemployed. Hm. We shall see, I guess.

Just because I haven't typed anything up here for a while, it doesn't mean that I'm not always thinking about typing things up here. Like, just the other week I was in a familiar situation that made me long for my blog. It is a situation I have dealt with for most of my adult life, and it is one that I feel needs serious consideration. Perhaps my insight, my pain might be helpful to someone else.

There are not many sentences that can bring a conversation in polite society to such emotional loggerheads as the phrase "oh, I'm not much of a seafood person". The reactions to this phrase rival the reactions to an admission that one flays kittens alive just for kicks. If one decides not to lie and say "uh, I mean I'm allergic. Deathly allergic", one should be prepared for an emotional response, as the average seafood fanatic will go through distinct stages when confronted with this situation.

Perhaps we should look at each stage in its turn.

1. Denial "What?! How can you not like seafood?! Surely you can't mean Lobster? Well, you must like Shrimp at least. What?! You've GOT to be kidding me! Calimari, too? What in the name of all that is dipped in drawn butter...?!"

It is important to try not to shock the seafood lover any more than is needed. Try to be empathetic. However, a firm "no" to all their disbelieving questions is imperative. Only honesty and understanding will help them get through this phase. Be strong. Assure him/her that you indeed do not like seafood and that you are not in any way trying to trick them.

2. Anger "You've got like seafood! Only the most backward hillbillies don't like seafood! I mean, who in their right mind doesn't love a nice, slimy oyster slithering down their throat? I'll tell you who. Child molesters and reality tv producers, that's who."

If you're going to tell people you don't like seafood, you've got to be prepared to be slighted and insulted. However, DO NOT LET YOURSELF GET DRAWN INTO AN ARGUMENT! It's best to just let the seafood lover get their anger out right away. Remember that the patient, er, seafood fan, cannot help this anger, and that it will not last forever. Again, it is important that you stick to your guns and do not let the fish afficionado bully you. The key is to remain calm and let him/her know that your personal tastes are not calculated as a thing to anger or please anybody.

3. Bargaining "Just try one shrimp. Fine, then just a bite. Okay, so you didn't like the shrimp, just try one lobster claw and if you don't love it, I'll leave you alone forever. What the...? Okay, a scallop. Try a scallop. I promise you will love scallops..."

For some reason seafood junkies do not believe that you have indeed tried seafood and simply decided that it wasn't something you found tasty. Again, when dealing with fanatics of any kind it is important to remain calm and to be cautious. If you are so inclined, try seafood for the hundredth time to let the maniac see that it holds no religious significance to you. You should not feel ashamed about succumbing to this. Sometimes it is the only way to get a particularly militant seafood buff off of your back.

NOTE: It is not recommended that you fake an epiphany and exclaim that you FINALLY understand what seafood lovers are on about. Even though the impulse to rub their obnoxiously evangelical behaviour in their face is almost overpowering, you must resist. Fish fiends have very delicate psyches at this point. Their ensuing euphoria after such a ruse would make stage 4 that much more crushing. Again, I urge you to be strong and remain honest.

4. Depression "Well, I was going to tell you about my last vacation to the West coast, but since you don't like seafood... what would be the point really? *sigh* The lobsters there are so fresh and delicious they make strong men weep tears of gastric delight... but why should you care about that?"

This stage follows quickly on the heels of bargaining. It is a sad stage, but believe me, it's a lot quieter than any of the other stages and finally gives you time to relax and enjoy yourself. You might take the opportunity to change the subject to something a little less controversial. Ask your new friend how they feel about gun control or which side of the abortion issue he/she falls on. Try to have fun!

5. Acceptance "Let's pick another restaurant to go to. [Your name] doesn't... *wince* doesn't like seafood."

This is the last and final stage of breaking your dislike for seafood to a new person in your life. Congratulations! Your strength and patience have brought you both to an understanding and you can truly deal with each other on an equal footing, even though you are fundamentally opposed to each other's tastebuds. Well done, you've grown as a human being.

Now, since the whole world seems to be full of roe-gobbling, oyster-sucking, lobster-picking, squid-slurping, crab-guzzling fish freaks my recommendation is to never meet anyone new again, or you're going to have to go through the whole fucking thing again and again and again until you drop dead. Good luck!