Kidstuff

You're a parent. You've been through the most amazing miracle that you are likely to be part of in your entire life. Through you, you have given life to another human being. You've been simultaneously humbled, honoured, terrified, enlightened and inspired all in the same moment that that tiny new piece of you entered the world. Your entire outlook on the world has changed forever.

And now, five years later, you smile beatifically as your little angel mercilessly beats the crap out of your house guests. Isn't he adorable?!

No.

Listen, we all know being a parent is hard. One of the hardest jobs in the world, if not the hardest. If I had to choose between raising kids and going into combat well, I probably wouldn't choose combat, but I would have to really debate over it. I mean, at least in combat you get to swear a lot and shoot stuff when you're frustrated.

And we all know you haven't slept in years, but that is no excuse to make your company babysit your out of control children when they visit. I'm not saying you don't deserve a break or a rest, but if that is indeed what you want, then ask your friends to babysit your kids so you can have a night off. At least they'd know what they were in for. But it is not cool to lure them over for dinner and then subject them to four hours of your hellspawn repeatedly punching them in the goolies while you passively say, "Now stop that" and make no move to actually put a stop to it.

Personally, I don't mind kids in small doses. I listen to what they have to say, I play with their toys with them, I go along with the hour-long inane "knock-knock" joke marathon at dinner (e.g. Knock-knock. Who's there? Potatoes. Potatoes who? Potatoes chair bunny rabbit!! HAHAHAHA!), I look at the treasures they want to show me and I give them my unbiased professional opinion (Did you do this? Yes... I think I see what you were going for... it has a wonderful... otherness about it doesn't it?), I roughhouse with them as much as my energy and patience level allow (which, granted isn't a lot).

But there comes a point, around the three-hour mark, that it becomes a little much. I am an adult and have come to visit with the adults, not babysit your kids. Yes, it looks like I am having a good time with the children, and I am, but at some point enough is enough and I expect you to let your children know this and to leave me alone now. I certainly don't expect that it be like it was when I was a kid when children were seen and not heard. I don't want the child to be put in a box somewhere for the night. But I do expect them to let go of the chokehold they have on my neck, climb down off of my back and calm the fuck down.

Perhaps you are confused by a person not being delighted at your wound-up child climbing all over them and kicking and punching them in delicate areas. I know it's baffling, why would anyone object to that, right? Strangely, though, millions do. You must remember that some people, especially the childless, don't understand how sensitive your child is to criticism and that a firm no could potentially damaging him/her psychologically.

Still, if you're interested in your guest's feeling on the matter, here are some telltale signs that he/she has had their fill of junior's high spirits:

1. They repeatedly and with growing desperation say the phrase "Aunt/Uncle [insert name here] is tired now. This is the last one, okay?"

2. Your guest clutches helplessly at their throat and makes gurgling sounds as they slip in and out of consciousness while your child squeezes gleefully on your guest's jugular.

3. You hear your guest say, "let go, now. Let go. Please let go of me. LET go, please. Let me the ffff-- let go. I mean it!"

4. Your guests cast frequent longing glances at the front door, yawn, stretch and say they have to get up really early tomorrow. It is 6:30 pm.

5. You hear your guest say, "Ow. Hey! Ouch! Let goargghph! Ow! You little--oof! Sto--aughhfft! OW! Get off!"

6. Your guest snaps, tears the kid off him/her like velcro, holds the kid out at arm's length while he kicks and screams, and carries him upstairs to deposit him at the feet of whatever parent has been hiding up there for an hour or so in relative peace and quiet, the cowardly bastard.

There are other signs as well (such as your guests staying away from your house for years at a time), but these 6 are the big ones. If you ever want to see these people again it might be a good idea to actually follow through with one of the 8,000 empty threats you've uttered to your child since they arrived, such as actually making the child go to his/her room for a while, or not giving the child dessert, or taking away the foam bat that the child has been using to hit your guest in the batch for 15 minutes straight, etc. You might find that your ability to carry through on one or two threats just might give the others a little more weight.

Then again, maybe you feel it's your duty to educate your guests on the blessings of childrearing. Or, maybe you're just a sadistic asshole who likes inflicting just a little of the terror you live with day in and day out on your friends and relations. Either way I guess you can just ignore this little list and carry on the way you have been.

And I guess I'll be seeing you at junior's High School Graduation!