A Cranky Entry by a Cranky Girl
Five Reasons Why Today, Monday August 25th, Sucked Cock Like a $5 Hooker on $2.50 Tuesdays
1. Late. A-fucking-gain. I carpool into work as a matter of necessity. Since we've moved four months ago my coworker has been on time to pick me up possibly five times. Seemingly every other day I'm up and ready to be picked up at the designated time, my flaky fucking coworker calls with another retarded excuse as to why she will be late. E.g. "My boyfriend got up before me (like he does EVERY DAY of the week) and forgot to re-set the alarm for me." Or, "I wore stupidly dangerous high heels while riding my bike and hurt my foot (again) and cannot drive my stick shift. And instead of going to the hospital when it happened last night and calling you then about it so that you could plan for it, I decided to wait until an hour before we're supposed to be at work to let you know I won't be coming in and you'll have to take public transit, which I know takes you at least an hour and a half to get into work."
Or today's: "the flaky, unreliable person I hired to do our inventory has just left his house now to come meet me at my house (at 9:10 am - she is supposed to pick me up at 9:00), he'll be here in a bit, so we should be about ten minutes late today." True to her word, forty minutes later they showed up. She's still nursing the foot so she was driving her boyfriend's... um, well, I guess it's a car?
2. Road Hog. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who treat their cars with simple respect and keep it neat and tidy, and those who treat their cars like a garbage can on wheels. Filled to the windows with paper, napkins, empty pop cans, half-empty juice bottles, paper plates that once held pizza, shoes, underwear, food bags, tools, books and an indecipherable yet menacing odour, these vehicles are at once repugnant and spell-binding. Once inside, any passenger is strangely captivated, afraid to move, afraid to breathe, longing for death.
The affront to humanity I shoe-horned myself into today belongs to the latter type of owner. However, the particular model I was blessed to ride in is truly one-of-a-kind, distinguished as it is by its unique starting method. With this car there is no more fumbling with unwieldy, noisy keys, no sir! Just a twist of a screwdriver into the exposed starter and we're off! This day can't get any better!
3. Blinds to go. It is approximately 947 degrees fahrenheit in my office and has been for the last week or so (there is no AC, there is no fan). Seeing as my boss has not deigned to outfit us mere peons with blinds, each day the sun streams in and attempts to fry me like the insignificant bug that I am. I have taken it upon myself, therefore, to try and block the harmful rays from my office, if only to keep me from sweating all of my extremities off (and to possibly see one or two things on my computer screen). Last week I took some large cardboard pieces from the warehouse that were just wide enough to cover the window and taped them up. Ah! Sweet relief! Now it is only 920 degrees in my office!
Today my boss took a break from clipping his fingernails in his air conditioned office to come by and grimace at my creative solution. "That looks god awful" he said cooly. I sat and sweated at him waiting for his point. He grimaced a few more times and finally said, "well, I guess we can't have that. We'll have to go by Blinds to Go in a few days (read: never) and get something for your window." I nodded stupidly and said, "blinds good" or some such thing. I get kinda dumb when I'm swelteringly hot. He grimaced once or twice more (my blinds must really offend his delicate sensibilities) and then cooly sauntered back into his office to take a refreshing nap.
Later, I heard him tell the coworker that "summer is almost over, though, we probably don't really need blinds now." Thank god the sun doesn't shine in the fall, winter, or spring, eh?
4. People who cannot, nay WILL not accept responsibility for their mistakes, goddamn it. While riding home in the funk-mobile we encountered lighter than usual traffic. Yay! Something good! Except that no less than two times did we see people endangering the lives of countless others because they will not be accountable for their mistakes.
[And now a personal address to the two people who cut us off and nearly smashed into us] You know what fucknuts? If you're not paying attention and miss your turnoff you need to suck it up, hang up your fucking phone, get off at the next ramp, turn your incompetent ass around and get yourself back to where you need to be in a sane and safe manner. Do not, at the very last minute, cut over three lanes of traffic to make a dramatic and stupidly dangerous correction of your own fucking mistake. I'm sorry, but I don't want to die just because you were singing N'Sync at the top of your lungs and acting out the cool hand gestures or whatever the hell it was you were doing instead of paying attention. Here's an idea, why not DRIVE asswipe? Take a look around OUTSIDE the car once in a while and take note of your whearabouts every few minutes. You dicknoses not only almost killed me, but you made me inhale sharply in that fucking disgusting car. And something rolled over my foot as we swerved to get out of the way. TWICE! You fucking irresponsible fuckers can take your fucking heads and...etc. etc. [End of address]
5. Something or other about goddamn cheese. As soon as I got into the house today one of my roommates attacked me about eating some of her cheese. (By "attack" I of course mean she asked me about it in a normal, nonconfrontational tone.) I was immediately defensive about my cheese consumption and the fact that I had not willfully taken cheese that was not purchased solely by myself for my own personal use and enjoyment. I was shocked and dismayed that I would be accused of non-authorized cheese eating in this insolent manner. I was then just about to launch into a bitchy "things of mine that have been used by the collective without express written permission but do I complain? Noooo" tirade when I realized that it would be 1. super-ultra bitchy 2. meaningless and petty 3. moot, as I actually had eaten the cheese.
I then carefully closed my big, fat mouth and went upstairs to be quiet for a while.
It was then that I remembered I have a blog. Yay!
Five Reasons Why Today, Monday August 25th, Sucked Cock Like a $5 Hooker on $2.50 Tuesdays
1. Late. A-fucking-gain. I carpool into work as a matter of necessity. Since we've moved four months ago my coworker has been on time to pick me up possibly five times. Seemingly every other day I'm up and ready to be picked up at the designated time, my flaky fucking coworker calls with another retarded excuse as to why she will be late. E.g. "My boyfriend got up before me (like he does EVERY DAY of the week) and forgot to re-set the alarm for me." Or, "I wore stupidly dangerous high heels while riding my bike and hurt my foot (again) and cannot drive my stick shift. And instead of going to the hospital when it happened last night and calling you then about it so that you could plan for it, I decided to wait until an hour before we're supposed to be at work to let you know I won't be coming in and you'll have to take public transit, which I know takes you at least an hour and a half to get into work."
Or today's: "the flaky, unreliable person I hired to do our inventory has just left his house now to come meet me at my house (at 9:10 am - she is supposed to pick me up at 9:00), he'll be here in a bit, so we should be about ten minutes late today." True to her word, forty minutes later they showed up. She's still nursing the foot so she was driving her boyfriend's... um, well, I guess it's a car?
2. Road Hog. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who treat their cars with simple respect and keep it neat and tidy, and those who treat their cars like a garbage can on wheels. Filled to the windows with paper, napkins, empty pop cans, half-empty juice bottles, paper plates that once held pizza, shoes, underwear, food bags, tools, books and an indecipherable yet menacing odour, these vehicles are at once repugnant and spell-binding. Once inside, any passenger is strangely captivated, afraid to move, afraid to breathe, longing for death.
The affront to humanity I shoe-horned myself into today belongs to the latter type of owner. However, the particular model I was blessed to ride in is truly one-of-a-kind, distinguished as it is by its unique starting method. With this car there is no more fumbling with unwieldy, noisy keys, no sir! Just a twist of a screwdriver into the exposed starter and we're off! This day can't get any better!
3. Blinds to go. It is approximately 947 degrees fahrenheit in my office and has been for the last week or so (there is no AC, there is no fan). Seeing as my boss has not deigned to outfit us mere peons with blinds, each day the sun streams in and attempts to fry me like the insignificant bug that I am. I have taken it upon myself, therefore, to try and block the harmful rays from my office, if only to keep me from sweating all of my extremities off (and to possibly see one or two things on my computer screen). Last week I took some large cardboard pieces from the warehouse that were just wide enough to cover the window and taped them up. Ah! Sweet relief! Now it is only 920 degrees in my office!
Today my boss took a break from clipping his fingernails in his air conditioned office to come by and grimace at my creative solution. "That looks god awful" he said cooly. I sat and sweated at him waiting for his point. He grimaced a few more times and finally said, "well, I guess we can't have that. We'll have to go by Blinds to Go in a few days (read: never) and get something for your window." I nodded stupidly and said, "blinds good" or some such thing. I get kinda dumb when I'm swelteringly hot. He grimaced once or twice more (my blinds must really offend his delicate sensibilities) and then cooly sauntered back into his office to take a refreshing nap.
Later, I heard him tell the coworker that "summer is almost over, though, we probably don't really need blinds now." Thank god the sun doesn't shine in the fall, winter, or spring, eh?
4. People who cannot, nay WILL not accept responsibility for their mistakes, goddamn it. While riding home in the funk-mobile we encountered lighter than usual traffic. Yay! Something good! Except that no less than two times did we see people endangering the lives of countless others because they will not be accountable for their mistakes.
[And now a personal address to the two people who cut us off and nearly smashed into us] You know what fucknuts? If you're not paying attention and miss your turnoff you need to suck it up, hang up your fucking phone, get off at the next ramp, turn your incompetent ass around and get yourself back to where you need to be in a sane and safe manner. Do not, at the very last minute, cut over three lanes of traffic to make a dramatic and stupidly dangerous correction of your own fucking mistake. I'm sorry, but I don't want to die just because you were singing N'Sync at the top of your lungs and acting out the cool hand gestures or whatever the hell it was you were doing instead of paying attention. Here's an idea, why not DRIVE asswipe? Take a look around OUTSIDE the car once in a while and take note of your whearabouts every few minutes. You dicknoses not only almost killed me, but you made me inhale sharply in that fucking disgusting car. And something rolled over my foot as we swerved to get out of the way. TWICE! You fucking irresponsible fuckers can take your fucking heads and...etc. etc. [End of address]
5. Something or other about goddamn cheese. As soon as I got into the house today one of my roommates attacked me about eating some of her cheese. (By "attack" I of course mean she asked me about it in a normal, nonconfrontational tone.) I was immediately defensive about my cheese consumption and the fact that I had not willfully taken cheese that was not purchased solely by myself for my own personal use and enjoyment. I was shocked and dismayed that I would be accused of non-authorized cheese eating in this insolent manner. I was then just about to launch into a bitchy "things of mine that have been used by the collective without express written permission but do I complain? Noooo" tirade when I realized that it would be 1. super-ultra bitchy 2. meaningless and petty 3. moot, as I actually had eaten the cheese.
I then carefully closed my big, fat mouth and went upstairs to be quiet for a while.
It was then that I remembered I have a blog. Yay!
posted by Alanis at
11:09 PM
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